The worst thing a collegiate institution can do is place you in another room with a complete stranger for an entire year.

Fresh out of high school and ready to assert your identity on the world, and you get stuck with a roommate in a dorm room. You try to trick yourself into believing that it isn’t that bad. But it is. Covert Op stints in Nam was baking cakes compared to this.

After mommy and daddy depart, you think it has potential. You’ll get along, hang out once in a while, and tell fart jokes. Then heading down to food service for the first christening meal, you wonder how food could taste so bad and the first negative thoughts about your roommate creep into your mind.

Have you heard this narrative before? Of course, we all have. Doing research, the numbers prove that this happens to 86.712% of the people in dorms. Not all roommates don’t work out.

I did have one roommate that worked out. But I had others that were worse than getting the Ebola virus.

At first I thought the cause of the problem was my bad luck with roommates. But to double check, I asked my friends from other schools such as Illinois, Augustana, North Illinois and USC about their experiences. Some had success with roommates, others very little success, and some yet that ended in all- out slug fests.

This proves there isn’t a formula for roommates. Case in point: a story from one college mentions a roommate that had a nickname such as doubling their first name like “John-John.” This is no joke. John-John never went to class, never showered, and was an all around lowlife. One of the all time worst roommates ever, I am told.

At first reaction, the research says stay away from roommates with nicknames. Then another story was brought to my attention that contradicts this. A person with the nickname “!@#$ing Wayne” dominated the industry of video game playing. He never went to class, yet aced all his tests.

This prophetic genius would prepare for video game bosses by partaking in a cigarette break before the final encounter.

What is the verdict?

Are nicknames predictors of terrible roommates? With all nicknames, one must be weary. Until the nature or meaning of the nickname is found, names such as “mashed potatoes” or “one-eyed hawk” must be met with caution.

A better predictor would be smell. A roommate will be a nightmare if they smell like farm animals in heat, you can bet on it. Another indicator is if your new roommate is repeatedly tooting like fog horn. A room smelling like babies’ diapers isn’t conducive to studying. Actually, it isn’t conducive to much of anything.

The stories don’t stop there. Nothing sells a wonderful friendship like waking up in a sea of vomit. There’s nothing wrong with drinking like a fish, but once your eyes are glazed over like hams, it’s time to stop and save your roommate from vomit sea.

If you are part of the 86.712% who have intolerable roommates, there is hope yet. The easiest solution is to move out. One friend in another college did just that.

This solution might not present itself if you are at Iowa State, where dorm space is as precious as gold. If money is no object, looking into an apartment could also be a way to go.

However, most college students tend to live with the problem. They figure that it won’t last for a long time. A year (or a semester if you are really lucky) and their roommate is out of their life forever.

These seem like respectable enough solutions, but they hardly make up for the “blinding rage” you are in because your room now smells like hogs in intercourse.

You are after all, a product of the United States war machine that saw considerable action in Nam. That presents a thousand ideas for dealing with the situation.

Then again, if you were in Nam, the smell probably reminds you of Grandma’s baked yams. But to me, it reminds me of baked Grandma.

Jason Bruen is a senior in Engineering Operations from Lake Bluff, IL and served three tours of duty in Nam.