I needed an idea for a column. Usually column time brings insightful and inspiring ideas. I usually read my column every day and exclaim, “Wow, that’s a damn good column.” These columns get me through my day. Around lunch time, I am fading away in some boring class. To wake myself up and get through the class, I think how magnificent a column writer I am.

The problem this week is that my magnificence didn’t helping me come up with a column idea. I have concocted 14 best sellers, conjured up 8 Oscar-winning screenplays and invented the mouse pad. One would think I could come up with a simple column. Something mind-bending and earth-shattering usually is the norm.

Not this time. I tried everything to come up with a column idea. I prayed to myself saying, “O” magnificence, please grace me with a column idea. I am the greatest column writer in the whole world. I must keep up my excellence. Give me a column or else.”

So much for that. Nothing. Not a single column idea that would change lives. Oh, there were many ideas for columns, but none that would be screaming out “magnificent” or “bravo” or even “speechless.”

I was sitting around admiring my brilliance and exquisite column writing when an idea finally did hit – I’d just ask someone what they would like to read in a column. Of course this would be a simple idea, but with my abilities, I could make it magnificent.

So I asked some hobo for a column idea. To my astonishment, the hobo had actually heard of me. “Yeah, I read your column once; most worthless sheet of crap ever.” Well, that was the gist of it, followed by a bunch of expletives. But the conversation with the disgusting human being wasn’t totally worthless, he did give me an idea.

“You should write about a cage match.” A cage match – so simple yet so stupid. “What do you mean stupid?” He said. “A cage match is a great column idea, do one, say, between Mike Ditka and Rupert Murdoch.” About as worthless as one could get.

But I did have a column idea, and I thanked him. “You’re welcome, I’d love to see how it turns out, but since I can’t read, you’re on your own.”

Mike vs. Rupert. Ditka vs. Murdoch. The more I play with the names, the more I think the hobo was right. This is a cage match I would love to see. But before we begin, some background information might be useful. The definition of a cage match is exactly what it sounds like, a fight in a cage.

In this case, the cage match would be between two contestants, Mike Ditka and Rupert Murdoch. Mike Ditka was the greatest Bears coach ever. Probably the meanest too. I read somewhere that he ate a player once. Rupert Murdoch runs 20th Century Fox, the studio that practically runs the world. It is reported that Rupert, a frail old man who can’t write his own name, still has the strength to punch people in the face to get what he wants.

Outstanding. Both of these contestants can back up the smack they talk. We now have the makings of a fight to the death.

But the cage match never happens. Neither party seems to answer my telephone calls. I am able to get in touch with their agents to propose my ingenious plan. Using all my accomplishments to woo them, they never nibble. After the 14th call, they say things like, “Call again and we will call the police.”

My wonderful abilities couldn’t get me very far. I was feeling down after getting nowhere with that, but after looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself how brilliant a column writer I am, I cheered up.

No one can take away my accomplishments. Just cause some hobo says my column stinks, doesn’t mean I am not a magnificent writer. Who’s he to say anyway? That hobo can’t read.

I did realize a few things from this experience. No matter how wonderful you are, it is almost impossible to get a cage match funded (or even accepted) as a basis for a column idea. Also, no matter what, pay no attention to hobos.

They are a small group and have no political clout to back up their foul language. The final thing I realized is, in telling you this process of trying to fund a cage match for a column idea, I have indeed, written a column.

Thus, I did come up with a column idea. But let’s be honest, if you read this far, you may realize that my column is not as magnificent as usual. But there will be other opportunities for magnificence.

Just remember, I got this job over some hobo because they would only write about cage matches.

Jason Bruen is a senior in engineering operations from Lake Bluff, IL.