I’ll write this column when the rain quits pounding the press

box.

There. What I just did, I know tennis, baseball and golf can not.

Their world is a world of commitments. Rain delays be damned.

It’s too bad these commitments have to suffer John McEnroe and

Orel Hershiser and Ken Venturi.

I mean, I know there’s only one Bob Costas, but doesn’t he have

some brothers or sisters that aren’t doing anything over the

weekend?

Anything but ex-jocks.

Their syntax is sinful, their opinions are crass, and their sentences

run-on more than Forrest Gump in white Nikes.

I want to spend ten minutes in a booth with these guys about as

much as I want to spend ten minutes with a pit bull fresh from

chewing on a rubber groin.

It’s tough enough for summer sports to hold the novice fan’s

interest.

Take away the sport, throw in a rain delay, and you need a

professional. Basically, you need Costas.

Or someone to sedate McEnroe.

I mean, I’ll watch a rain delay if the conversation is intriguing. But

left in ill-prepared hands, it never is.

Rain delays with ex-jocks is like turning over Wall Street to

NASCAR fans. Or first place to the Clippers.

Deene Ehlis, voice of the Iowa Cubs, says “you have to be

creative,” during a delay. He’ll discuss possible trades, review the

MLB, or opine about the I-Cubs.

But after an hour Ehlis says, “it becomes tedious.”

During Wimbledon’s second Friday, Goran Ivanisevic’s match

against Tim Henman was delayed, and ultimately, suspended,

because of rain.

It became tedious.

About every half hour, I would quit flipping to see if Wimbledon was

worth my while.

It wasn’t. Just rain and Johnny commenting on it.

“I don’t know as a viewer if I could endure that,” Ehlis says. “Go

back to some classic footage or something.”

Exactly.

When the first round of the U.S. Open was getting drenched this

year, ESPN showed Tiger’s birdies bloating Pebble Beach’s

scoreboard last year.

I watched all morning.

CBS has done the same with its golf coverage in the past.

And I’m sure ABC is standing by with some Tom Watson file

footage in case sheep start flying around in a typhoon at the British

this week.

But if Wimbledon or baseball have shown Bjorn Borg or Kirk

Gibson, I haven’t seen it.

Just imagine it if they did, though.

Fan to NBC exec: Hey, I was gonna tape Borg’s `80 Wimbledon

title. Bring on the rain, dude.

First-rate old boy.

And for those extended rain delays — where the patrons carry as

many wrinkles as legislation leaving the House – how about a

more daring brand of television?

Like sticking “The Weakest Link” lady in left at Shea Stadium,

wearing a cardboard sign reading: JOHN ROCKER STILL HATES

YOU, during Everybody Gets an Energizer night.

Or taping McEnroe to the net while Goran Ivanisevic serves up 130

mph double faults.

Or simply putting up a shot of the English countryside growing

wetter and lusher by the minute.

And not commenting on it.

“CBS Sunday Morning” ends the show with nature and silence.

I watch.

Paul Kix is a junior in journalism and mass

communications from Hubbard.