I suppose the leaders of the G8 stand for their respective countries’ national anthems. They would probably stand if there were no seats around.

Other than that, I think all they stand for is a lot of big words registering shock, dismay, hope, prosperity and a lot of other obfuscatory terms. The following paragraph is the actual text of the opening paragraph on the official G8 Genova 2001 Summit Web site.

“Eight of the main industrialized democracies representative and the heads State and Government of the European Union have gathered to Genoa for the first summit of the new millennium. Here the official document.”

If you think I made up those typos, thank you for that tribute to my creativity, but no thanks. I didn’t concoct those. You can visit www.genoa-g8.it/eng/index.html and see them for yourself.

Getting back to the rest, though, what does the G8 really stand for? I thought the official communique from the G8 leaders would possibly throw some light on this. I managed to figure out what issues this Group of Seven Plus Russia discussed.

The first point on this communique reaffirms that the heads of state and government of the G8 countries met in Genova. (I swear I am not making this up). At least they were clear about that.

Actually, that was probably the only thing they were clear about. They then move on to a couple of discussion points about how globalization should actually be spelt globalization.

But in the end, the U.S.’s representative George W. Bush agreed that in return for agreeing to disagree on the Kyoto Protocol on drilling oil in Alaska, he would let the spelling remain as globalization.

They also stated that this process of allowing the G8 countries to take advantage of the natural resources and low-cost (read “dirt cheap”) labor resources in developing nations will, in the long-term, lead to economic development in these countries. They called this their strategic approach to poverty reduction.

This approach, according to the official document, also includes the G8 participating in numerous conferences in mountain resorts, ski resorts, Caribbean islands and may be even one or two African safaris. In addition, numerous abbreviations will be developed to aid the developing nations combat the scourge of poverty, including but not limited to, the OECD Bribery Convention, the LDC III conference, MDBs and renaming of developing nations as HIPC (Heavily Invaded Poor Countries).

Meanwhile, President Bush was trying to work on something from his personal agenda called “Hey! I just blew up a fiscal surplus accumulated over 8 years in a $1.35 trillion tax-cut plan, and I need about $350 billion for my new defense budget. You guys want to chip in?”

The G8 showed that they were ready for this by spending the miniscule sum of $110 million for the security of these eight people for three days in Genova over the duration of the summit.

Following the violence sparked off by the summit, the Italian government is now regretting not having rented out a few condos owned by the mafia, and reducing their security bill. All this money of course would not have been of any use towards debt relief to developing nations, or for fighting disease worldwide, or for combating global warming.

So, it’s commendable that the G8, dipping into their already meager resources, pooled together a World AIDS Fund worth a whopping $1 billion.

As for global warming, the leaders agreed the topic will continue to remain warm for some more time, and they will ensure this discussion will be a legacy to future generations, even if the environment is no longer there.

The United States, protesting the Kyoto Protocol, pointed out that the treaty exempts such advanced, sorry – developing nations as China and India, and that until these two countries signed on the dotted line, they would not put their thumbprint on the paper.

A few other minor points that the leaders mulled over included organized crime, drugs, the digital divide, official G8 summit T-shirts, theme lunches and dinners, and a future summit in either Las Vegas or Monaco.

Tired but happy (not to forget dismayed at the loss of the life of one protester), the Group of Seven Plus Russia (collectively called the Eight Geeks or G8), agreed that what they needed next year was some good ol’ rest and relaxation.

The Canadian Prime Minister suggested that if the group was game for some hiking and backpacking, the Canadian Rockies were open next season. And that is where all the protesters, media persons and the G8 leaders are going next year.

The people from the developing nations, though, probably won’t be able to afford backpacks and hiking gear, so they are probably going to stay home and sulk.

Narayan Devanathan is a graduate student in journalism and mass communication from Hyderabad, India.