You know, whenever there’s a slow day in the sports controversy world, you can always count on the NBA, where the players shoot off their mouths more than they shoot the ball.

The Big, The Bad and the Ugly

This time, it’s a battle of the big men as Shaq is accusing Dikembe Mutombo of not being a man and playing him up front.

“Treat me like Sega and play me,” he says.

You know, I owned a Sega in my younger days.

I even played the game that bared Diesel’s name, “Shaq-Fu” (hey, I was young and naive then).

Shaq finally got caught throwing too much of his weight around and fouled out of a game.

Shaq’s video game wasn’t that impressive, and neither are his actions now.

I would put Mutombo on the pedestal as the better man, but he’s not his normal self-reposed self.

After game one, he praised his own efforts defending against the man of steel.

Let’s not forget that Shaq did get 44 points and 20 boards during that game, not exactly a noteworthy effort on Mutombo’s part.

Although Dikembe is right about not complaining about all the punishment he’s been dealt, he doesn’t have any reason to think that he’s the next coming of…well, Shaq.

So as I sit here comfortably in the Daily office, hundreds of miles away from these two giants who could pound me into Mother Earth, I have but one thing to say.

Quit your bellyaching.

So what if you foul out of one game, Diesel?

You’re an offensive lineman disguised as a basketball player.

Advice to Dikembe, it’s hard to be cocky picking basketballs out of your teeth.

Absurd Predictions

Before I go on, I thought I would take a minute to update on the actual absurdity that I never could have predicted, major league baseball.

What is going on?

It’s the middle of June and leading the way are…Ichiro and the Mariners?

You got it.

They have the best record in baseball, as well an 18-game lead in the AL west.

EIGHTEEN?

I didn’t know it was possible to win a division before the All-star break. (Well, it’ll be close enough).

And as far as the rest of the majors, try this; by the time you read this paper, the Cubs and Phillies will be division leaders, with the Twins either leading or being a half-game back of Cleveland.

Say what you want about it being June. I don’t care anymore, this is nuts.

I’d predict a winner now, but knowing how the first couple of months went, I’d rather watch the insanity unfold.

Now on to more pressing business.

This week: The U.S. Open.

I know what you’re going to say. `Don’t pick against Tiger Woods.’

He’s won the last four majors, something no one else has ever done before.

He has 10 top-10 finishes in 12 events this year, including five wins.

Of the 28 victories in his PGA career, Tiger has won 21 of them since January 1, 1999.

Basically, a vote against Tiger Woods would be a vote against sanity.

But, based on my last two predictions, you guys are expecting my ultimate upset pick.

Are you guys NUTS?!? Of course I’m picking Tiger to win it.

However, I must have some form of moronic value in this column to have any sort of normalcy.

So let me pick a winner.

What about Phil Mickelson?

He has eight finishes in the top three in 2001, but he’s choked under pressure several times as well, including at the Masters.

If anyone is due to win a tournament, let alone a major, it’s him.

Maybe Sergio Garcia?

He’s finally starting to become a presence on the tour, winning one tournament and placing runner-up at another in the past month.

It might be payback time for “El Nino”, who wound up second to Tiger at the 1999 PGA Championship.

No, prevailing winds, strong shear, or something like that will keep the system out at sea.

Tom Lehman?

Colin Montgomerie?

Justin Leonard?

I say nay to all of them.

I figure that since I know Tiger will win, my pick should come from way out in left field, or in this case, the Pacific Ocean.

That’s why my pick to win will be Toshi Izawa.

Who? I’ll tell you.

This player comes from the Japanese PGA Tour, where he has won an event in five tries in 2001.

Over here, he has competed in two events this year.

At the Nissan Open, he was part of a six-way playoff before finishing in a tie for second.

The other event was the Masters, where he ended up tying for fourth, six shots back of Woods.

The reason for my pick is that if Ichiro and Shinjo can have such an impact on baseball, then think of the heads that will turn if Izawa can pull off the major upset.

Well, enough lunacy for one day.

For all those terrible golfers like myself, I’ll see you at the 19th green.

Jonathan Lowe is a senior in meteorology from Kansas City, M.O.