After leaving office with a bang, many thought Bill Clinton might have destroyed the legacy he so often dreamt about. All he ever wanted was to be one of the greats.

Unfortunately, the people of this country won’t remember him as the man responsible for eight years of economic growth. He won’t be remembered for his charisma, or his policies. He won’t be remembered for his peace efforts or his looting of Air Force One.

Whether you like the guy or not, you will remember him for one thing only – sex.

Just ask yourself – during the media’s peak coverage of the Marc Rich pardon, what were you wondering?

You weren’t wondering why Rich was pardoned; obviously it was because he is rich. You weren’t wondering why Clinton would do such a thing to ruin his image. It’s obvious he knows what his real image is.

Chances are you were wondering if he doinked Rich’s ex-wife, Denise Rich.

You can deny it, but it was in fact the question on everyone’s mind. The way they looked at each other, her visits to the White House, all the money changing hands; you thought it just had to have happened.

If the American public didn’t want to know, Barbara Walters wouldn’t have asked Ms. Rich when she appeared on “20/20.”

Well, according to Ms. Rich, she and Clinton never engaged in sex of any kind.

“I never had a sexual relationship or anything else that’s improper,” she said.

I know what you are all thinking; “Yeah right Denise, I know Bubba took out the old cigar box when you two were together.”

But we have to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, Clinton normally does like his women a little bigger than Ms. Rich.

Where am I going with all this? Well, I think it’s funny every time Slick Willy comes into contact with a woman, America says to itself, “He’s screwin’ her.”

It’s gotten really bad. I will not be surprised if some day I see a story in the tabloids about a man who was Clinton’s secret lover.

In fact, I would like to take a moment to make sure I am never targeted by the tabloids as one of Clinton’s sexual conquests.

First thing first, I have to be very blunt so there is no confusion about it. I did not have sexual relations with that man.

I mean, come on. I am conservative to the bone – why would I want a guy like Clinton? Plus, I am not attracted to men.

I want to kill every single rumor before they ever start.

And no, I don’t own a blue dress, making it impossible for me to have a semen stain on one. I guess I am safe there.

Recently, Monica actually asked for that infamous dress back. If I did own a blue dress with a “Bill stain” on it, I can assure you all I would not ask for it back from the government. What would be the purpose of that? Well, I guess Monica and Bill could make some use out of it.

As far as cigars go, I would much rather smoke one. There are things meant for certain things, and cigars are meant to be smoked. You don’t see cigars named “Rambone” do you? They don’t come with straps, either. Call me old fashioned, but I guess I’m just not that creative.

No, I was never “alone” with Clinton. I would sooner die a slow, agonizing death by gonorrhea. And no, Bubba did not give me gonorrhea.

I can also say I know “is” means is, it’s that simple. Here, let me use it in a sentence – everyone knows Billy Boy “is” a nymphomaniac, but don’t accuse me. I don’t get down like that.

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. I feel safe now that I am wearing a giant body condom that shields and protects me from all sexually transmitted rumors.

So, for the last time, I’d just like to say “I did not have sexual relations with that man.”

Zach Calef is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Cedar Rapids.He is news editor of the Daily.