A few times each semester, when I am trying to come up with my next column idea, I find myself torn between issues. Should I write about issue A or B? When I finally get tired of trying to decide, I look for inspiration in my overflowing bag of fan mail stuffed in the corner. It isn’t full because I have neglected to read all of it, but I just can’t read fast enough to make a dent. I will try harder.

Dear Marcus, who is the best Pirate of all time?

This is a very good question. You could rate such an inquiry on many levels. Who sank the most ships? Who collected the most treasure chests?

Maybe even who has the cooler name, Blackbeard or Bluebeard? Oh, wait a minute, you are probably referring to those nasty scalawags that dwell in Pittsburgh. In that case I would argue that a couple of baseball’s Pirates be nominated for the top spot.

Roberto Clemente was capable of doing it all, while Bill Mazeroski provided baseball fans with one of baseball’s greatest moments. My choice would go to the late Willie Stargell who died this week.

Stargell, was one of the games premier sluggers, belting an impressive 475 career round trippers.

He played in a day when the only thing more grotesque than the hind end of a bulldog was a Pittsburgh Pirate uniform. Willie Stargell wore it proudly as he led his teams to many victories and many more great moments. He was the World Series MVP in 1979, he was a great player. Willie Stargell was sixty-one years old.

Dear Marcus, who is the smartest player in the NFL?

Once again, a case could be made for many different individuals. Minnesota’s Robert Smith retired this off-season to follow his dream of a career in medicine. Ray Lewis looked pretty smart when he chose the defense that he did. But the smartest player in the NFL is Troy Aikman.

Aikman, after a head-rattling ten concussions, finally decided it was time to retire. He announced his decision in teary eyed press conference from Texas Stadium Tuesday. Aikman will now move into the broadcast booth where he will be safe from rampaging NFL linebackers and not-so-soft artificial turf.

Aikman’s play had suffered of late, but Dallas fans will remember Aikman for leading America’s team to three Super Bowl victories.

Dear Marcus, is Tiger Woods the best golfer ever?

No, not yet. Greatness is an attribute that should only be given to someone who has sustained the test of time. To be great you need to weather the storm. Tiger has only been sprinkled on.

Tiger is ten years away from his prime. If at that time he is still winning tournaments at the clip he is now, then by all means we can declare him to be the best golfer of all time. That claim would not be met with resistance from anyone.

For the time being Tiger, is without a doubt, the best golfer in the world today. Every time he takes a lead into the final round of a major, Vegas betting on every other player goes the way of the dinosaur. Tiger does not lose when he has the lead. Golf has not seen dominance like this since . well, ever. But let me say this. Tiger’s performances are good for the game of golf. More people are watching, and more people are taking up the sport than ever before.

Is Zach Fortune a crybaby?

There is a fine line between coaching effectively, and being downright mean and nasty. Former Cyclone guard, Zach Fortune, accused Iowa State’s head coach Larry Eustachy of being the latter. Was the criticism deserved? Perhaps it was, but does it matter? Coach Eustachy is providing Iowa State with a winning basketball program that a lot of folks take pride in.

Obviously, the great majority of us can’t watch basketball practice to find out what goes on behind the scenes, but we do know what Coach Eustachy is capable of thanks to the national broadcasting of his Michigan State temper tantrum last year. Have you ever witnessed Duke’s Coach K do that? I don’t think so.

It is my opinion that Zach Fortune was probably mistreated. He could have had thicker skin, but he shouldn’t really have to. No one should be verbally abused. I just hope for Iowa State’s sake we can look forward to a little more Coach K, and a little less Coach Knight. Good luck Zach.

Dear Marcus, is Michael Jordan coming back?

All signs on my magic eight ball point to yes. There are two sides to this story. First, the fans would love to see Michael Jordan back in uniform because he is the best. Most people I know who follow the NBA would love to see Michael jam a ball down Allan Iverson’s tattooed throat. The NBA is boring right now. The return of Michael would bring about a much-needed boost to the sagging ratings of the NBA.

The flip side of the coin is how the NBA actually feels about an MJ return. You would think they would love it, but hold on to your britches.

Ever since Michael’s departure, the NBA has been trying desperately to get their audience’s attention onto new players. They have hyped Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, Kevin Garnett and the like in an attempt to recapture fan interest. A Michael Jordan comeback tour would undermine all of their hard work. Then, once Michael leaves again, they are back in the same spot.

When all is said and done, look for Michael Jordan to be in a Washington Wizards uniform next year along with his fat golf partner, Charles Barkley.

Dear Marcus, do you ever shut up?

Yes.

Marcus Charter is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Ames.