Please sir, come right with me. Anita, hold all my calls.

Yes, the sickness seems to have quite a hold on you, sir. Yep, there’s no doubt about it: You are an overly-excited Minnesota Twins fan.

The signs are everywhere. The “We’re No. 1” novelty foam finger. The homer hanky draped over the end of it.

And what’s that next to the `87 and `91 on your World Series Championships sweatshirt?

A penciled-in `01?

Sir.

Just because the Twins lead their division right now does not, in any way, mean they will do so in late September.

There’s a name for this sickness, sir.

As a life-long Cubs fan, I am recovering from it as well.

April-equals-pennant-itis.

It was first found in Brooklyn back in the 1940s.

Only back then it was called April-through-August-equals-pennant-itis.

It was terrible. Every July, Dodger fans thought that “this is the year.” Every October, the Yankees would win it all.

In fact, April-through-August-equals-pennant-itis became so prevalent among Dodger fans, in 1958, the Dodgers couldn’t handle the pain they were inflicting and left for L.A.

April-through-Augu… you get the idea – became desperate. It headed West in search of its beloved team.

But it lost strength along the way. So much so, this tiny bacteria could go no farther than the north side of Chicago.

So that’s where it stayed.

Problem was, it lost so much effectiveness, it could only inflict false hope for about a month.

Thus, April-equals-pennant-itis.

And this year, after many springs of sinking its fangs into the fleshy dreams of Cub fans, April-equals-pennant-itis migrated to the Twin Cities.

Hep, hep, hep. I know what you’re thinking.

Minnesota’s still in first place. Brad Radke’s curve is scary good. Hell, the Twins even made the cover of Sports Illustrated this week.

But it’s April 27. And the first month of the season is of little consequence to how things will turn out.

In 1961, Roger Maris hit 61 home runs. Do you know how many he parked in April?

One.

In 1991, the Twins started the year 2-9.

How many bottles of champagne did you drink in October after the Twins won the World Series?

Even the Aprils of previous wars offer little insight into who will win.

Our forefathers lost the Battle of Bunker Hill.

How many friends named Nigel do you have in St. Paul that run around yelling “Long Live the Queen” with a mouth full of crooked teeth?

I know, I know.

It’s been 10 whole years since the Twins won the Series. You’re getting antsy.

Brother, please.

The Cubs haven’t won a ring since Nineteen-aught-eight. That’s right, I said “aught.”

Did baseball even hand out rings in “aught eight”?

When baseball finally issues them to the Windy City again, rumor has it that God is gonna send down another flood after Cubs fans get done with Chicago.

But anyway, back to April-equals-pennant-itis.

The best way to beat this highly localized, highly contagious disease is to ignore it in April.

And then May.

Then June.

About mid-July, check the sports page. But be wary, the trading deadline looms.

The Twins have south of $25 million in the bank. The Yankees have north of $90 million in the bank.

Money seems to strengthen resolve and rosters as the season progresses.

Think about that when Radke’s curve is still scary good after Independence Day.

However, if it is by September, get excited.

And if Radke’s stuff is still leading the first place Twins, get more excited.

But until then, hand over the foam finger, the hanky and the sweatshirt.

C’mon.

That’s it.

Now, tell your friends.

Paul Kix is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Hubbard.