I finally figured it out. Until recently, I was at odds with my Republican friends at the Iowa legislature concerning several proposals of theirs that seemed particularly unfriendly to education.

For example, when projected financial growth fell short for this year, they were quick to offer a cut in regent university funding while they made mock-sad faces that seemed to feign, “This is going to hurt us more than it hurts you.”

Education in the state of Iowa is seriously in jeopardy. It’s kind of weird for me to think about it, since my pre-ISU education was very good. I assumed that it would stay that way forever, just like everything else here. That’s no longer a given.

According to the Des Moines Register, Iowa’s average teacher salary is 35th in the nation, and we’re expected to lose 40 percent of our teachers in the next 10 years. Ted Stillwell, director of the Iowa Department of Education, went as far to say that, “It’s been very clear that this is not pleasant for state government or for public education.”

We’re in luck, because Republicans have proposed a brilliant plan to reform teacher compensation, Senate Study Bill 1190/House Study Bill 201.

They proposed, among other things, for “two 12-week courses and non-traditional licensing option for persons who have at least a bachelor’s degree but who have not met the board’s other licensing requirements.” That’s page 25, line 22, if you’re reading along with me.

In other words, the only difference between a provisional teacher and an idiot with a BA in bar-hopping is those two 12-week courses, which he or she would undoubtedly sleep through. This does not bode well for Iowa education, which is probably why Iowa teachers are up in arms at this seemingly stupid idea.

I thought it was the wrong approach, too. I mean, it didn’t seem like such a good idea that in a period of time when qualified teachers are becoming harder to recruit, the solution was to lower our standards and hire dumber teachers.

At first, I thought it was common sense talking, but in reality, it was those evil liberals, with deceit on their lips and purple yin on their wicked, forked tongues.

Like a liberal simpleton, I was looking at the small picture, which bleakly forecasted retiring teachers, higher college tuitions and a continuous brain drain of Iowa’s graduates to more progressive states like Vermont.

Do the liberals have a solution to combat this disease, this wasting sickness?

No, they do not. All they want to do is keep teacher certifications standards where they are and possibly not stick every budget shortfall to college students. That doesn’t sound like a very proactive plan to me.

I discovered there is a very good reason Republican state legislators do what they do, besides out of a general distaste for youth. It’s such a simple idea, yet I was unable to comprehend it until now.

Let me ask you, what do skilled teachers and inexpensive college tuition encourage?

Competent teachers produce smarter kids – kids who would be more likely to attend an inexpensive state college, get a degree in engineering or computer science and leave this state forever.

Wisely, Republican legislatures are cutting off the opportunity for these hubris calves to leave for greener pastures.

If a huge influx of inexperienced, under-qualified teachers can’t miseducate Iowa youth enough to prevent them from attending a state college, the exorbitant tuition fees will stop them dead in their tracks.

It’s a brilliantly orchestrated, two-tier effort for which they should all be commended.

After all, Iowa can’t have a brain drain if we cut off the oxygen supply.

Liberals might argue that depriving the brain of oxygen is actually worse than a brain drain in that it causes tissue damage, permanent mental handicap and death, and that by association, this whole “Let’s Make Iowa Kids More Stupider” campaign is flawed.

Still, you can never trust those tricky, lying liberals.

This plan may seem unnecessarily harsh, but we leave Republican state legislators with little choice.

They can’t make us stay in Iowa after we graduate any more than they can control their own incontinence!

Yes, that joke was juvenile, and sorry, I couldn’t resist. I suppose I don’t make a very convincing conservative.

I’ll try to watch more of FoxNew’s “The O’Reilly Factor” and take better notes next time.

To switch gears and veer left, the Republicans in our state capitol are committed to providing the state with under-qualified teachers and charging us students as much as possible for the privilege to attend state universities.

At least until we unceremoniously ditch this pleasant-yet-technologically-and-economically-starved state for somewhere else.

Career opportunities outside of Iowa are staggering.

For example, if you’re an education major, you should really be looking at a state like Illinois, where the average teacher salary is a cool $10,000 higher than in Iowa.

If you’re involved with anything technical or computer-related, I don’t need to tell you that you would be much better off in Washington or California.

Iowa is a sinking ship under the new economy. It will always have a role in agriculture, but that’s about it.

It doesn’t help that Republican state legislators are seemingly doing their best to make a great education in this state harder and harder to acquire.

They can bully us now and raise our tuition all they want, but we’ll see who’s laughing on graduation day when we fill our cars with their last taste of ethanol and leave only trails of less-polluting exhaust in our wake.

Sam Wong is a sophomore in electrical engineering from Ames.