A while back, a friend and I were talking and stumbled upon something that we thought might be important. What we discovered was that the advancing onslaught of technology seemed to have one driving force behind it: pornography.

Pornography is the driving force behind technology? Yes, I’d say that’s correct. Think about the progressive development of magazines, cameras, films, films with sound, television, color television, VCRs, computers, the Internet and finally the ultimate technological frontier, virtual reality.

What do all of these have in common? They each have the ability to deliver cheaper, more life-like, more private pornography than previous devices.

Apparently, many of our legislators agree with my technological theory. Obviously, this is why they passed the Children’s Internet Protection Act (CIPA) last December.

Unfamiliar with CIPA? CIPA is a law that requires public libraries and schools to use pornography-blocking software on their computers unless they want to lose millions in federal funds. It is the third in a series of laws in the last five years designed to keep children away from online pornography.

Now, I’d say that’s a good thing. Children probably shouldn’t be exposed to the constant stream of pornography available via the Internet. They certainly shouldn’t be looking at it in the school library.

CIPA supporter Sen. John McCain says of the law, “It simply ensures that schools and libraries across the country have the material they need to protect children from harmful material on the Internet.”

Well stated, Sen. McCain. So, why, on Tuesday, did a group of three-dozen plaintiffs led by the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Library Association file suit to defeat the law on First Amendment and due-process grounds?

It seems that the ACLU and the ALA believe in crazy high-concept notions such as free speech. It also seems that they dislike the idea that putting Internet filters in public areas such as libraries and schools disproportionately affects the poor, who aren’t as likely to have Internet access at home.

The ACLU and ALA also point to research like that in Consumer Report’s March issue, which states that Internet filters don’t block out about one in every 5 porn sites, but do manage to block out a wide variety of social and political issue sites.

So what is one to say to the leftist do-gooders who want to expose our children to smut? Tell them to stop. Why? Let’s talk about my theory again.

I don’t know how they did this, but obviously some conservative think-tank abstracted my theory on pornography as the technological dynamo. I’m already looking in to security leaks among my circle of friends.

But moles aside, it seems the supporters of CIPA have a secret plan that only I have been able to decipher. Let me explain their socio-politico-pornographic-technological scheme.

First, note when Congress passed the bill. December, right during the highest period of worry about recession and tech-based stock market collapses. Hmmm .

Next, note the ham-handed methods that Congress intends to use. Internet filters? To block adolescents from getting pornography? This is about as effective as using a roving band of 4-year-olds to guard Fort Knox with water pistols and slightly used slingshots.

Can you smell what I’m getting at? Congress, which apparently is much more perceptive than I’ve ever given them credit for, is using CIPA as a way to get out of our current economic slump.

See, as before, everyone has an interest in getting cheaper, better, faster pornography. The Internet is perfect for this. In fact, according to CNN, 37 percent of Internet users access pornographic sites. Kids, especially boys (for whom heaven is a pair of breasts), are most certainly among these users.

Now what happens if we use CIPA to block all, or at least most, of their access to pornography? You guessed it: technological innovation.

The best and brightest will quickly go to work figuring out new ways to get porn. And just as with computers, VCRs, the Internet, etc., society will climb on the back of these pornographic Columbuses and ride them to a dynamic new economy.

Congress obviously predicted this sort of technological adaptation, and likewise predicted it would be a perfect way to improve the economic downturn. So Congress, even though it usually appears to be stupid and misinformed, has apparently been pulling the wool over all of our eyes.

While CIPA may just look like a law that won’t work and will instead run like a mob of angry hippopotami over our First Amendment rights, it is really a clandestine government ploy to jumpstart a stagnant economy using my theory that the search for pornography drives technology.

So everyone, let’s all make sure and call the ALA and the ACLU to tell them to stop their fight against CIPA. No more injunctions or court cases. After all, they already defeated the previous two laws. Let’s let Congress use their wisdom to knock us out of our economic slump. After all, Congress knows best, right?

Bryan Nichols is a senior in Genetics from Burnsville, MN. He can’t smell what he’s getting at. It makes him sad.