Throughout my tenure as a Daily columnist, there was one thing I am quite certain I have never accused George W. Bush of. Well, besides being a brilliant, tactful politician. But I had not, to this date, accused him of looking to follow in his father’s footsteps and involve the United States in another Gulf War.I would like to apologize for my inaccuracy, because according to Friday’s Washington Post, President Bush is going to do just that. According to my watch, that’s two weeks. I have to be a little impressed. The Washington Post has reported that the Iraqi National Congress, an umbrella group of Hussein’s opponents, have been authorized to draw up to $4 million from the U.S. Congress this year, in order to help fund their efforts to get rid of Saddam.The problem is, if you weren’t upset with the fact that we’re trying to incite revolts in other nations, well, then you should be hopping mad that we’re only funding them with $4 million! Regardless of whether you hate Saddam or you think his hats are sexy, you should at least want us to do something meaningful.After all, for that much money, we can fully equip the Iraqis to do one thing: die. Again, this has long been a favorite policy of the U.S. government, but this time it’s the Iraqis we like.The Post quoted an anonymous state department official, “We’re saying to the INC, you’re beyond the organizational phase. Now do something.”By do something, I assume this official wants the INC to stop Saddam’s bullets. I think they may do a great job. Maybe we could even give them an extra million or two, so they can recruit more people to stop more bullets — all in the name of human rights. I love irony. True, Saddam might be oppressing these people, but we’re just sending them on a suicide mission. If there’s a difference, it seems to be merely a semantic one.Perhaps there’s some pressing reason to do this, and I’m completely unaware of it. Maybe it’s got something to do with another animal seeing its shadow. Maybe Jeb got up Friday, saw his shadow, and it meant war with Iraq. Otherwise, I have no real clue what good old Saddam’s done this time.Granted, if we were compiling a list of people this country should have killed, Saddam would probably come pretty high on the list, maybe even higher than Regis Philbin. But, in Saddam’s defense, he hasn’t done anything conspicuously wicked in a while. If Clinton hadn’t been going through impeachment and sexual withdrawal, we wouldn’t have attacked them two years ago, so it’s not like he has any growing tensions with us this week.We do have to consider the ramifications if we kill Saddam, though. It’s kind of like Luke Skywalker killing Darth Vader. If we do pull it off, what’s left? We don’t have any evil empires on the verge of destroying us, so we need little bullies like Iraq, so we occasionally can test our missiles on their orphanages.Considering that our secretary of Defense comes from the Ford administration, maybe we should look in the history books for our next enemy. We should get it off to an easy start for Donald Rumsford; let him attack someone he’s already fought. The only problem is that besides a skirmish with Cambodia and the completion of our pull-out in Vietnam, Ford’s brief administration was pretty peaceful.So, by default, our next enemy is Symbionia. In 1976, the Symbionese Liberation Army, more commonly known as the SLA, a group of vaguely Rage Against the Machine-ish white kids from the suburbs, decided to kidnap newspaper heiress Patty Hearst, brainwash her and then rob a bunch of banks.Hearst was just pardoned in his last week by President Clinton, so it’s time to strike back with everything we have, up to and including nuclear weapons.It’s clear Symbionia is a much better target than Iraq. For one, our citizens have already seen war with Iraq. We know where it is on the map, we’re tired of its tyrannical leader, but he really doesn’t scare too many people these days. Symbionia, on the other hand, isn’t on any map, is impossible for news crews to find and is unfamiliar to virtually all Americans. While it doesn’t actually exist, that really shouldn’t stop us. After all, it’s impossible to have casualties in a war against an imaginary enemy.Doing my part as a yellow journalist, I beg Americans everywhere to take up arms against the SLA. Remember the Alamo? Or the Maine? Well, I’m sure these guys had something to do with them.For now, I’ll do my part, just like the Bush administration, allowing the US military to draw from my current desk drawer up to 42 cents. That way, when it fails, you can’t come whining to me.Tim Kearns is a junior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.