To commemorate the incredible whirlwind of events leading to the inauguration of our 43rd president, I would like to offer a heartfelt and congratulatory welcome to America’s darling, President George Walker Bush.Last December, his victory at the hands of the Supreme Court came as somewhat of an expected disappointment to me. A slow-motion kick in the pants, if you will. Since then, I’ve come to accept the verdict as some sort of act of fate. Like most folks, I voted for the other guy in the election. Now that Bush is in for good, I’ve resigned myself to quit bitching and think of all the positive ways that the future administration will help our fractured and divided country. I was pleasantly surprised and filled with optimism at the plethora of prosperity the future administration will bring to the following groups:10. Lumberjacks. If you’re the type who sleeps all night, works all day, presses wild flowers, etc., boy are you in for a treat these next four years. Yes, Clinton did order federal protection for a total of 5.6 million acres during his presidency, but we’ll just see how long it lasts. Barely a few hours into his presidency, Bush already signed an order freezing some of Clinton’s environmental protection laws. I may be an electrical engineer now, but if the job market for lumberjacks starts picking up, I might put on women’s clothing and start hanging around in bars myself. 9. Microsoft. Nothing like a new administration and attorney general to strike a deal with. Microsoft may be the Great Satan. Sarcasm aside, assuming their stock goes up to 1999 levels, Bill Gates will be able to give more to the needy. In summation, everyone wins, except Microsoft’s competitors. They’re screwed.8. Christians. Looks like separation between church and state just became the separation between synagogue/mosque and state. Did you hear that lengthy sermon after Bush was sworn in? At least they were sensitive to follow up with spiritual talk from religious leaders of different faiths as well. Oh wait, they didn’t.7. Republicans. Hoo boy, is it a good time to be a Republican! You guys control the executive, legislative, and judicial (they voted him in, 5-4, after all) branches. Now that’s impressive. Cheers to King Bush and Prime Minister Cheney.6. Foreign aggressors who don’t control our oil supply. Want to pick fights with your neighbors? Hell if we care. 5. Rich people. Now you can afford that sixth Mercedes-Benz you’ve always wanted, provided our Republican president can get his tax plan through a Republican congress. 4. Automobile manufacturers. After years of patience and countless campaign contributions, you finally get to write your own pollution standards. Electric cars be damned, let’s not hear any more of that lame global warming hoax. Happy days are here again!3. Fetuses.Okay, those first eight were a tad negative. Ever the optimist, I still found two things that can only improve during the next four years.2. Comedians. For everyone who mused what it would be like if Dan Qualye became president, here’s the closest thing we’ll ever get. Conan O’Brien, Dave Letterman, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and Robert Smigel will now have a new candidate to lampoon and insult every night! Will Farrell’s next four years on SNL look pretty bright, and we mustn’t forget Trey and Matt’s upcoming show on Comedy Central about the first family. It’ll be a golden rebirth of comedy.1. The media. No one is more quotable than Bush. Take his commentary on the California energy crisis as quoted by the New York Times, for example: “The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.” His inauguration speech was priceless as well: “America, at its best, is a place where personal responsibility is valued and expected. Encouraging responsibility is not a search for scapegoats, it is a call to conscience. And though it requires sacrifice, it brings a deeper fulfillment. We find the fullness of life, not only in options, but in commitments. And we find that children and community are the commitments that set us free.” Wow, Mr. President. Wow.And on a more personal note, smart-ass, ultra-super-blatantly liberal columnists will benefit as well. In hindsight, I’m kind of relieved Al Gore didn’t win. If he had, my columns would be filled with boring headings like “Gore wins Nobel Peace Prize (again), approval rating holds at 99.9 percent,” and “Economy soars under Gore’s brilliant, incredible, masterful, powerful, yet kind, gentle, and loving leadership.” His presidency would have made for some pretty boring columns. Thank you, Supreme Court and hail to the thief — I mean, uh, chief — for making my job easier. God bless you all, and God bless America.

Sam Wong is a sophomore in electrical engineering from Ames.