Wow. By now, I’ve already offended 99.999 percent of the Iowa State campus. Considering that people are offended by the tree with lights across the street from Beardshear Hall, I’d bet just glancing downward at my column makes most of the campus scarlet with rage. After all, I am an employee of the Iowa State Daily, a newspaper funded by the state-run university, and I have opinions on religion and other topics, virtually establishing them as required for all students!

Perhaps you’re offended by the English language, my picture or the letters “r,” “t” or “i.” Regardless of how offended you are, don’t forget the real enemy —the “Christmas” tree.

As many have noted, on Nov. 29, the university sponsored the “Festival of Lights,” lit the tree across from Beardshear and had a celebration that embraced the Ames community.

In about the amount of time it takes Al Gore to file a complaint in a federal court or George W. Bush to murder the English language, people started to vent their anger at this glaring symbol of Christian establishment at Iowa State. After all, what more represents the repressive regime of the religious right than a tree and lights? There are other things: prayer in schools, school vouchers, baccalaureate ceremonies and roughly everything that occurs in the average day.

There is, in my mind, little doubt that a tree with lights is a celebration of Christmas. There have been people charging that such a Christmas tree violates the establishment clause.

To those people, I would like to quote one of the great writers of English literature, William Shakespeare: “Wah wah wah. Keep right on bawling.”

In fact, there are some gripes about the “Christmas tree” on campus. For example, the lights on it were probably manufactured in an Asian nation where child labor was extensively used and workers were desperately underpaid and forced to work in wretched Kathie Lee Gifford-esque conditions.

Secondly, the electricity to power the lights comes from ISU’s coal power plant, which is environmentally disastrous, since terrain is ravaged to mine the coal and then coal dust is spewed into the air of the Ames area.

Thirdly, people with red-green color blindness can take offense at the fact that the lights on the tree are largely indistinguishable from each other, so that they do not enjoy the lights equally with all other people on campus. Even worse, pine trees make me sneeze like none other, but you won’t catch me protesting it.

Amazingly enough, no one before me has lodged these complaints. You know why? Because most people don’t speak just to watch their breath steam in the wintry air. The one group who could truly take offense at the tree and its electric lights is the Amish. But, they’re perfectly happy not to complain. They just accept that people don’t agree with them. What a novel concept!

First off, the simple fact is that Christmas has ludicrously little to do with religion anymore. It’s a sentiment of gift-giving, time with family and the dreaded Christmas tree. In large part, the word isn’t even spelled out anymore. Now Christmas is often spelled “Xmas,” which, to my knowledge, is the celebration of the birth of comic book author Stan Lee, creator of “The X-Men.”

Our modern Christmas is a celebration of shiny objects, and the tree is an example. I know a great deal of non-Christian families who still celebrate Christmas because, among other things, it is a federal holiday and a cultural event.

The religious right is too powerful in this country, and there is a definite favoritism toward Protestant Christianity in the United States. But no tree, no matter how many lights you string on it, represents any religion, with the exception of the unspoken religion of consumerism.

A Christmas tree is just a tree that’s been decorated. The fact that we refer to decorated trees as Christmas trees is just a part of the language. If you’re fighting the vernacular, fine. But don’t tell me that because we call it a Christmas tree that it somehow represents advocacy of the Christian religion. No one’s stopping any other religions from expressing their interests.

There is support and events for Ramadan, Kwanzaa and other holidays. Frankly, if you’ve got a religious view or a non-view that you want to express, no one’s stopping you.

And if someone is, there are a number of people at the Student Services building who would be glad to help you in any way they can.

We all have something for which to cry. If the offensive nature of a long-existent pine tree and electric lighting is one of those things, I would be more than welcome to direct you to homeless shelters, nursing homes and volunteer agencies who desperately need your help all year round.

Christmas, like so many things, is simply whatever you make of it.