Let’s take a look at two potential presidential candidates. The first is a former alcoholic with a criminal record, including a charge of DUI, and some pretty substantial rumors of cocaine use. He was a bad college student, but courtesy of a family with a good name and deep pockets, he managed to graduate from Harvard and pick up an MBA.

When he first had political ambition, his own party told him to forget it because he was unqualified. That was 10 years ago, while he was sitting at the helm of a baseball team his father’s money allowed him to purchase. He admits trading Sammy Sosa. He has problems using multi-syllabic words, quite possibly including the word multi-syllabic. His TV ads have included a subliminal message of “Rats,” as well as an ad that copied the famous 1964 commercial of Lyndon Johnson, that even Johnson pulled after only showing it once. He, like every candidate under the sun, has taken large contributions from big business.

The second candidate has a completely clean record, no arrests, no drinking or drug problems and no extramarital affairs. He has a solid background in political science with grades that make George W. Bush look like a drunken frat boy. He has experienced the working world without the benefit of his parents’ millions. He has used no soft money in his campaign and hasn’t even used any hard money.

He knows the names of most essential world leaders including those from Yugoslavia, Mexico, the Philippines and Pakistan (though he did use the World Almanac on that one). He has refused all major contributions from political action committees, corporations and even party representatives. Above all, he has never traded Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire or Ken Griffey Jr., though he would have granted an unconditional release to John Rocker.

The first candidate is George W. Bush. The other, sadly, is me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a big fan of Al Gore, but besides his still embarrassing declaration that he invented the Internet and his experiences with marijuana, he can appear sort of presidential.

I’ve seen five presidential elections in my time and every time my cynicism reaches new heights. Anyone with rich parents can become president. I still remember the stories I read as a child that made me feel anyone could grow to be president. Back then, I thought the idea was ridiculous. Now, I’m starting to believe it.

To see exactly how embarrassing our next president will be, take away the last five years of job experience for both candidates. Frankly, their prior records would make me wary of hiring them as night managers at Arby’s, let alone ruler of the free world.

Does this bother anyone else? Granted, most Americans can’t tell an electoral ballot from a subscription card for Juggs, but I have the benefit of only reaching those who are either relatively informed or extremely bored during physics lecture.

So I should get some reaction. It doesn’t seem to offend too many people that rather than voting between an actual liberal and a so-called “Reagan” Republican, we chose their opponents, who, for the sake of brevity, I’ll call Dumb and Dumber, respectively.

I wish I was kidding. Any minute, I expect to awake and see Paul Wellstone (D-MN) running against Strom Thurmond (R-SC). At least we’d see what each party is supposed to support — not to mention that, as a supporter of civil and human rights, I would weep with joy at the massive victory Wellstone would pick over that old coot.

Call me an elitist. I see no shame in it. We should be ruled by someone who makes me feel incompetent in comparison. I want to suffer a wretched inferiority complex whenever I see the president on television and especially in person.

But, as we make our politicians talk down to us, they can’t help but lose motivation. Why stay up late trying to appear intelligent when you can avoid answering real questions and wait for your advertising officials to make your opponent look like the greater of two evils?

I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to run for president. Here’s my platform. I like education. I don’t like guns in schools. I don’t like paying a lot for prescription medication. I hate “politics as usual.” I like small government, but will continue its expansion as soon as I get elected.

Above all, I will fight for you — the American family. What do you mean you don’t have a family yet? Oh. In that case, my aides can show you the exit.