Well, this is it. This is the very last column I will ever write for the Daily. I can practically hear the cheers of joy as I write this. It’s not that I don’t want to write anymore. I don’t really have a choice in the matter. Despite my efforts to the contrary, I will be graduating this semester.

I’m actually pretty excited about it. This whole “learning” thing was getting kind of exhausting after 21 years. Knowing that I’ll never have to go to school again for the rest of my life feels pretty good. Besides, I think my brain filled up sometime last semester, so any future attempts at learning would be futile.

While I may be excited to be graduating, the university is apparently more thrilled than I am. I don’t remember anyone around here being too excited when I showed up (unless shoving me in the smallest room in the furthest dorm from campus is its idea of hospitality), but the minute I tell them I’m leaving, it’s cause for a massive celebration.

I’m serious. The university is throwing a huge ceremony, complete with party hats, costumes and a band just to celebrate that fact that I won’t be here anymore.

It’s not that I mind people celebrating when I leave; I’m used to it. You should have seen the party my parents threw when they got rid of me. I can’t wait to see their reaction when I run out of money and have to move back home. All I’m saying is that the classy thing to do would have been to wait until I was actually gone before breaking out the champagne.

Of course, no matter what I’ve done until now, I can’t graduate unless I pay my $15 graduation fee. I’m not exactly sure what the $40,000 I’ve forked over to them already was good for, but if I had known about this graduation fee I would have just paid the 15 bucks up front and graduated four years ago.

So because this is my final column, it would really be absurd for me to start doing anything serious at this point in my career. I think I’ll take this time to respond to you, the readers.

As you can tell from the letters to the editor, the public is never shy about speaking their mind to the columnists, and I am no exception. In fact, just yesterday a total stranger called me up and insisted that I start saving money on state-to-state long distance phone calls.

In addition to this and lots of other helpful advice about such topics as where I should be shoving things, I have been asked a number of questions over the past couple of years. Normally I ig-nore these people, but because it is my last day, answering some of these questions seems like a good way to fill space. Let’s get to it, shall we?

How does it feel to see your column in the paper every week?

It’s very depressing. With a circulation of 14,000 papers and having written more than 40 columns, my picture has been thrown away over half a million times. Considering the percentage of women who attend Iowa State, that means I get unceremoniously crumpled and tossed in a trash can by at least 7,500 females per week.

I bet you columnists still get a bunch of chicks.

That’s not really a question, but I can see how you might get that impression. In fact, it was the only reason I ever started writing here in the first place. Unfortunately, it’s only a myth. I guess women just aren’t turned on by a guy who will spend 45 minutes debating whether writing the word “fart” or the word “poop” is funnier in a column. (The answer is “fart.”) Or maybe they just don’t read my column because it runs on a Thursday when the only thing people read in the Daily is the bar specials.

You weren’t being serious earlier in your column when you said you’d be moving back with your parents, were you, you little ?

Yes, I was, but that’s no reason to start using such foul language, Mom.

As a columnist, don’t you think this university is run by a bunch of oppressive Nazis who want to take away all of our rights?

No. Iowa State rocks. Don’t let a bunch of crybabies tell you otherwise.

Is there anyone you would like to thank?

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to anyone who did anything silly or stupid, especially the night before a deadline, which became an inspiration for a column. I also want to thank my editor who, despite the fact that he hated me and everything I wrote, never got around to firing me.

Don’t you find it a little pathetic that you had to make up all of these questions yourself because you don’t have any real fans?

Only a little, but thanks for pointing that out.

Is that the fat lady I hear singing?

I guess that means my time is up, huh? Before I go, I sincerely want to thank my readers. Both of you are awesome. Let’s do lunch.