It is considered good taste to open with a joke, so here goes. What’s the difference between Heather Sue Mercer and Tim Kearns? Heather Sue Mercer has $2,000,000.

For most people, Heather Sue Mercer isn’t exactly a household name. Until last week, practically no one had ever heard the name mentioned anywhere. Then we found out that one doesn’t necessarily need to meet Regis Philbin to become a millionaire. A far easier way to do it is try to walk on to the Duke University football team.

Much like me, Mercer has a problem making field goals and especially long field goals. However, unlike me, she managed to parlay that lack of ability into a big pile of money. I, on the other hand, have yet to turn any serious profit from my incompetence.

So, here’s the story: Mercer tried to walk on in the spring of 1995. She didn’t make the team, and three years later, after graduation, she sues the university, claiming that she was rejected because of her gender.

There are two major problems with this. One of which is the simply insane idea of suing an athletic team for non-acceptance for any reason. The second and more legally essential concept is that of Title IX.

First, Heather Sue Mercer may have been the best kicker on the squad in 1995. Even if she had been, coaches have dozens of reasons why they would reject a player. In the long run, a coach needs to consider durability, previous experience, academic concerns, attitude, and most of all, the overall effect on the team. Even if a player runs a 4.2 40-yard-dash, if he shows up late to practice and smokes crack on his days off, there’s a good chance he won’t make the team, unless he goes to Florida State.

There were players from the 1995 team that actually testified in court that she was the best kicker in practice that spring. Of course, while that would raise red flags of discrimination, it is, of course, noteworthy that her prime competition wasn’t in spring practice that year.

According to the article “Former teammate, coaches praise kicker” in the October 3 issue of USA Today, the university’s top two kickers were both held out of spring practice due to injuries. So the moral of the story seems to be that if you’re the third-string kicker, an utterly useless player for most teams, you should probably sue the team.

By allowing Mercer to sue the university’s football program for discrimination opens the door wide for dozens of followers, and in turn, will actually prevent women from breaking the gender barrier in sports. By making universities ultra-sensitive to gender relations issues, two things could happen. On one hand, universities could allow more women to try out, and be afraid to turn them away, even if they’re athletically unfit. On the other hand, universities could simply refuse to let women try out for the team, and therefore, save themselves costly lawsuits.

Duke University is being sued because it gave Heather Sue Mercer a chance. I can only hope that someone besides me sees the irony in that.

The other issue is the age-old one of gender equality in universities. It is governed by the all-powerful Title IX, which struck a powerful blow for women’s athletics, allowing them an equal number of sports with men.

However, if Mercer can sue for discrimination, that essentially renders Title IX meaningless. Why? Because it suggests that football is not a man’s sport. Therefore, one woman’s sport can be wiped off the slate at every publicly-funded university. Maybe the women’s field hockey team has been losing lately. No problem now, open the doors to the football stadium for just one Jane Doe member from the team, and you can wipe out the entire football program.

Also, it begins to spread the notion that gender exclusivity can no longer be attached to sports. We won’t have the two best basketball teams in the Big 12, we’ll just have one giant co-ed team.

Of course, due to the size and build of Division I basketball players, our “co-ed” team will be all men. Hmm…curious. That was what Title IX was supposed to end.

Or, on the other end, the women’s teams can no longer exclude men. Frankly, this all thrills me. I can’t wait until the day I get to try out for the women’s basketball team. Granted, I’m horrible at basketball, but my lawyers will see it differently. To the courts, I will simply be the next victim of a political process that only saw my anatomical differences.

Knowing that I’ll be turned away, I’m beginning to feel emotional suffering right now — I think about $6.8 million worth of emotional suffering.