Since most of the people on campus have certainly seen Ralph Nader’s posters bemoaning the two-party monopoly, it is evident that Nader, despite his third-party candidacy, is a public figure with great support at Iowa State. Granted, on Election Day, you’ll be able to count Mr. Nader’s electoral votes on one hand, even if you lost all your fingers in an accident, but he has created a stir nonetheless. He has many Democrats panicked, worried that he may act as Theodore Roosevelt did in 1912, splitting a major party’s voters and thereby forcing voters to the other major party candidate.

This fear has led Gore to openly recruit Nader supporters, and even request Nader’s help in the campaign. The irony is that Nader is doing his best to help Gore in swing states, thereby making Nader’s protests against BushGore, whom he had previously claimed to be one person, ludicrous.

However, the panic is probably only the result of an uninformed populace.

Don’t worry. I’m not gonna be the next columnist to rain on Ralph’s parade. The real problem is that conservatives seem to be greatly unaware of their other options. Perhaps this wouldn’t be a problem if the Republicans had a viable candidate, who could name the leader of Pakistan as well as pronounce the word subliminal, but as Bush has clearly shown, that is not the case in 2000.

It seems most of the reason that people are following Bush’s campaign is out of name recognition. They recognize the word “Republican” and vote accordingly. Quite frankly, it’s a shame, because the right-wing has a greater selection of effective third-party candidates than the left could imagine.

That being said, ladies and gentlemen, may I present Tim Kearns’ Voting Guide for 2000!

Are you worried that the United States doesn’t have enough respect for Iowa? Well, there is actually one Iowan on the ballot. That’s right. John Hagelin, candidate for the Reform party, hails from Fairfield. In actuality, there are others as well, who are eligible write-in candidates, including National Barking Spider Resurgence Party (no, I’m not making that up) candidate Mike Bay, from Cedar Rapids.

Are you adamantly pro-life? Well, there are many candidates who make Bush’s abortion policies look like pinko radical trash. If you really dislike abortion, some write-in candidates you could choose from include the ever-present Lyndon H. LaRouche, Kenneth Capalbo, James L. Baldwin, or Joseph U. “Bird Man” Morrow, who would be our first president in recent years to have only a sixth grade education.

Of course, there are legitimate third-party candidates that can be considered. Of the seven names on the ballots of most states, there are actually five who represent some form of conservatism.

If you’re truly in favor of tax cuts, forget Bush! Bush’s tax cut looks measly and ineffectual compared to Libertarian Harry Browne’s proposal. Forget fuzzy math and lockboxes, if Browne has his way, the math will always be easy, because everyone pays zero. That’s right. If you want to get rid of income taxes, vote libertarian up and down the ticket.

Furthermore, if you, like the major party candidates, like to smoke pot or snort cocaine, Browne is once again your man. Part of his government spending reduction would consist ending the war on drugs. Hagelin takes a more moderate position but adamantly supports the legalization of medicinal marijuana.

If you favor governmental non-intervention in Israel, Browne is once again your man, but has a new friend on this issue, the father of the Fourth Reich, Patrick Buchanan. Howard Phillips goes just as far, insisting that the United States withdraw from the United Nations.

Either way you feel about immigration, those candidates will work. Browne is a strong advocate of open borders, while Buchanan is decidedly against such a policy.

Adamant pro-lifers will love Howard Phillips too, since he takes a legitimately conservative view, stating that all abortions, under any circumstances, ought to be illegal. His record proves it, as well, as he has supported federal prosecution of abortion doctors.

With seven options on the ballot and hundreds of write-in candidates, there are no excuses left for not voting, except for apathy. There are candidates out there that no one has ever heard of, simply because no one has taken the effort to look for someone to agree.

Remember, though, that even if you don’t care who the president is, your ballot goes further than that. There are congressional races, city and county level positions, and in some states, gubernatorial elections all depending on your votes.

To invoke Spike Lee, do the right thing. Get out of bed on Election Day and cast a vote. Of course, if you’re supporting Nader, remember. He works for Gore now.