An Exhaustive History of New Zealand. 500,000,000 B.C. to 1999 A.D.: Developing the Basis of a Tourism Industry.

The svelte, dual-island formation of New Zealand erupts out of the prehistoric seas. A mighty tectonic collision of the Pacific and Indian Plates crumples the Earth’s rocky crust like so much aluminum foil, poking craggily mountain ranges high above the ocean surface, and disgorging spew after spew of molten rock upon the newborn islands. Glacial migration following the last ice age creates most of the rest of New Zealand’s characteristic geography, smoothing out graceful rolling hills and serene mountain lakes amid the snowcapped Alps.

In isolation from the rest of the world, evolution conjures up a menagerie of unique flora and fauna, most notably the diminutive Kiwi bird, which will go on to serve as the inspiration for the video game protagonist, Q-Bert.

1000-1641 A.D.: Maori Madness

A group of Polynesians, fed up with the banality of life in Hawaii, set sail upon the mighty Pacific in search of respite, eventually settling on New Zealand’s welcoming shores. For nearly seven hundred years, unfettered by disturbances from the outside world, these peoples, known as the Maori, luxuriate in New Zealand, enjoying a rich culture, gorgeous natural surroundings and the taste of human flesh.

1642-1869 A.D.: Yum, Europeans!

In 1642, Abel Tasman, intrepid explorer from the Dutch East India Company, discovers New Zealand. The Maori people rejoice in the coming of Europeans as Tasman’s landing parties, without exception, prove to be delicious. The Dutch seamen, unsettled by their fellow journeyers’ nutritive fates, return to Europe with, at best, restrained boasting about their discovery. Yet in 1769, James Cook returns to New Zealand and claims it, cannibals and all, for the British. The English colonists, concerned about the conspicuous lack of pestilence, war, and prostitution in the new land, promptly go about remedying the situation.

AD1870-1991: Sheep at Home, Sheep in War

The development of refrigeration on sailing ships in the late 1800s allows for New Zealand to develop a massive exporting industry based on sheep products. By the early 1900s, sheep, which thrive in New Zealand’s lush countryside, outnumber people by almost 30 to one.

In 1914, World War I gives New Zealanders a chance to show what they have learned from their native livestock as thousands of soldiers in the Australia/New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) rally behind the British cause in Gallipoli in a truly ovine fashion. Unfavorable terrain and the well-entrenched Ottoman Army ensure that the ANZAC force goes like lambs to the slaughter.

The nation was also deeply affected by the Cold War. In the 1980s the New Zealand government, concerned about a supposed “bungee gap” with the Russians, begins a fervent race to develop the first commercially viable bungee-based thrill sport before the communists. New Zealanders AJ Hacket and Henry van Asch coordinate the first “bungee jump” off of the Eiffel Tower in 1986 generating a highly symbolic victory over communism.

1992-2000 A.D.: The Golden Age In the early 1990s the increasing marketability of synthetic fibers threatens the viability of wool production as New Zealand’s chief industry. So, in 1992, New Zealand makes a critical shift from its antiquated wool-based economy to a more promising “Xena: Warrior Princess”-based economy. The syndicated hour-long action show, produced locally and centering on warlike Xena’s often-anachronistic encounters with mythological and historical characters, becomes the lifeblood of the nation and the fruition of millions of years of New Zealand history. In 1995, the national anthem is changed from “God Defend New Zealand” to Xena’s shrill war cry.

New Zealand has been blessed with strong women since 1893 when Kate Sheppard led the nation to become the first in the world to grant women’s suffrage, but not until Lucy Lawless and her incomparable Xena character does the country truly come alive behind a female leader. For nearly a decade, “Xena” captures the affection of the world, raising the quality standards of cable television immeasurably, and invigorating the New Zealand populace.

But in the late 1990s, nervous foreign governments attempt to curb New Zealand’s rapidly swelling power by instructing the world’s television networks to unpredictably move “Xena” about in increasingly less and less accessible time slots. The strategy takes its toll on “Xena” viewership, and in 2000, the production of the show is finally cancelled.

2000 A.D.and beyond: An Uncertain Future. Faced with the humbling of its once mighty Xena, New Zealand struggles to find a source of hope. The Oct. 22 Christchurch Star-Times reports optimistically, in the preeminent article on its front page that Lawless is considering having a child with husband and producer of “Xena,” Rob Tapert. While the golden age may have ended, men, women and children nation-wide have their hopes pinned on the potential that New Zealand’s former glory might be reestablished by a new generation of warrior princesses.