As of this morning, I am 20. I’m entering the pivotal third decade of my life and still find it hard to believe I’ve been alive for 20 years. That’s a lot of time, considering the true accomplishments of my life still consist mostly of personal grooming and the all-time high score on the Ms. Pac-Man machine at the Mall of the Bluffs. Twenty is a pathetic age. You’re legally an adult in every criminal way, but not given all the rights of a 21-year-old. You have to renew your driver’s license, even though it’s only good for one year, and, most importantly, your birthday comes in a marathon of mid-terms. At least I assume everyone else’s does. But having a birthday away from home takes a lot of the fun out of the experience, and I still don’t know who will even remember it. Accordingly, I thought I’d help out the entire university by informing them of my birthday wish list, should anyone be interested in making it a special occasion. Let’s begin. First, my ideal birthday present is not so much for me, but for Americans in general. That’s right – a proofreader for George W. Bush. What do I mean? Well, take, for example, the following quotation from the Oprah Winfrey show: “Eventually, I realized smarts are not only whether or not you can write well or whether or not you can do calculus, but smarts also is instinct and judgment and competence.” This is a grammar teacher’s nightmare. We have a verb tense shifting from plural to singular, a floating and unnecessary “whether or not” phrase, and then a list using the word and twice, rather than the correct commas. And this isn’t the first time. Along with his penchant for microphone-amplified vulgarity and his creation of the new word “subliminable,” his grammar is wretched. I highly recommend a Reader’s Digest interview with Bush that appeared a few months ago. That will really get the red pens moving. So, for the sake of Americans, please find a grammarian to help this man. At the very least, it’d help me forget that a functional illiterate with a store-bought Ivy League degree could become leader of the free world. Secondly, I would like to suggest that if Iowa State is going to support Cuffs, we should certainly fund other groups to explore issues of human sexuality. In this case, a club exclusively for people who want to date me. Though the club may very well be the smallest on campus, this is a pressing issue of human sexuality, which I feel needs hundreds or even thousands of dollars funneled to it through GSB. At the very least, it will help to bring these essential issues of human sexuality into the spotlight after years of secrecy. Frankly, if you disagree, I don’t appreciate you oppressing me. This is a major issue for me. Of course, no birthday list would be complete without a $4.75 million payment from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) to my parents. Why? A reward for me NOT being a binge-drinking alcoholic. According to the article “At MIT, the Party’s Over” in the Sept. 25 issue of Newsweek, MIT is paying the family of Scott Krueger, a student who died three years ago at a fraternity binge-drinking event, a whopping $4.75 million. Why? Because they could get sued for some kid not knowing when to say when, and MIT claimed that their alcohol education and policy were inadequate. Well, personally, I think they owe my family a great deal also. For being a good example and not drinking myself to death, I should get at least as much as someone who creates such a bad reputation for them. I will grant that there are many others on campus who could make the same claim of sobriety, but frankly, that should only make you support me more. After all, you’d be next. So, please, Iowa State, get behind me on this one, and soon we’ll all be millionaires. On a sincere note, I also hope for the quick recovery of the town of Xenia, Ohio, hit with a deadly tornado last week. Deadly tornadoes are notorious for striking Xenia, and the irony is that the second major tornado in Ohio in 30 years struck Xenia once again. Xenia and much of my hometown of Dayton suffered heavy damage due to the tornado that swept through with virtually no warning. So, on that serious note, I wish them the best of luck and support in the coming months of rebuilding. With little or no effort, my birthday can be a holiday for all Americans, especially those of us in Ames. With just a little work, we can open the lines of communication, fill our bank accounts, and have a presidential race with two uninspiring candidates who can both read and speak in a language that vaguely resembles English. As we approach the beginning of the year 2001, I hope that we can find a newfound interest in charity and kindness. What better time to start than now, when I can be the immediate beneficiary? If not that, well, just send money.