ANNOUNCER: From Sydney Australia, welcome to the 2000 Olympic Games on NBC. Here is your host Bob Costas. BOB: Hello America. As your host for the first Olympics of the new millennium, I feel it is my duty not to just bring you these games, but to bring you these games in a manner that will annoy the hell out of you. As you know, there is a large time gap between the United States and Australia. But here in America, and more importantly here at NBC, it is our firm belief that nothing happens in this world until we say it happens. That’s why even though everything you see actually occurred over 15 hours ago. This includes four new world records and a vicious shark attack that killed three triathletes, and for your convenience we’ll pretend it’s all happening live in American Prime-Time. With this in mind, we have a lot of events to bring you tonight, starting with the men’s 4×100 swimming relay. We’ll take you there shortly, but first we’re going to present this over-dramatic and dull feature about some athlete you’ve never heard of overcoming incredible odds. FEATURE GUY: It’s the story of a man overcoming incredible odds. Larry Funderbutt was the youngest of 17 children in the Funderbutt family. Yet despite poverty, club foot and living in North Dakota, Larry had just one goal in mind. But following a series of anal probes from repeated alien abductions, Larry was forced to give up his dream of being an Olympic cyclist. But his dream of becoming an Olympic athlete never died. To protect himself from future abductions, Larry took up fencing. And now, after years of training and several battles with cancer, AIDS and jock itch, Larry is here in Australia – ready to take on the world. BOB: Yes, a touching story of a man overcoming incredible odds and capturing the Olympic Spirit. Larry’s preliminary fencing match was this morning. Unfortunately, Larry lost his bus pass, was late to his meet and was disqualified. Well the 4×100 relay is just about to begin, but first we have with us in our studios the chairman of the Sydney 2000 Olympic committee, Mr. Billy Moffitt. BILLY: Gadday, Bob BOB: Billy, how prepared is Sydney for these Olympics? BILLY: You call that a knife? BOB: No, it’s a cue card. So how would you say the city of Sydney has been affe- BILLY: Hey Bob, how `bout you and you mates hop over to me dingo farm and we’ll toss back some Fosters and throw some shrimp on the barby. Whaddya say? BOB: Well I don’t- BILLY: Bonzer! BOB: Uh, thank you for stopping by Mr. Moffitt. OK, the 4×100 swim relay will be underway soon, but now we’re going to send you to Tim Daggatt for a preview of women’s gymnastics, which begins tomorrow. TIM: Thanks Bob. When it comes to Olympic gymnastics, the Romanian women are always the favorites and this year is no exception. You know, Romania has one of the world’s highest infant mortality rates and much of that is a result of its rigorous gymnastics training program. In Romania, newborn babies are taken directly from their mothers’ wombs and forced into a gymnast producing system where they train 36 hours a day and mistakes are punishable by death. For the lucky few who make it through this program and onto the Olympic team, there is immense pressure to win gold. Said Romanian coach Jamie Dantzscher, who can be seen roaming the sidelines with a shotgun, when asked about the kind of pressure he puts on his athletes: “Tzech bricht chzezz ni achtingt.” (I killed 14 of my girls this week) It should be an exciting week of competition, Bob. BOB: Yes, they sure do embody the Olympic Spirit. Well the men are just about ready for the 4×100 relay, but while they warm up, we’ll send you to the pool where Rowdy Gaines will tell you what NBC is doing to bring you closer to the action ROWDY: Here at the Sydney Aquatic Centre we have over 87 cameras so you see every angle of the exciting swimming events. While swimming is not very compatible for our popular helmet cams, NBC took the liberty of sneaking into the Olympic Village late at night to implant small cameras into the forehead of each swimmer so you’ll see exactly what it’s like to swim in a pool. And for those with web access, NBC has installed seven cameras in the women’s locker room. Live streaming video can be accessed at www.nbcolympicsmut.com. BOB: That’s our show for this evening. Join us for the late show following your local news for more great Olympic coverage starting with the men’s 4×100 swimming relay.