This summer the ISU administration slipped a few caveats into the new Student Disciplinary Regulations formerly known as the Student Conduct Code. Apparently they ran a copy in front of last year’s GSB who said they wanted three issues reviewed. The one I would like to concentrate on is the new rule that says the university can have a lawyer present to protect their interests but that students cannot have counsel present to make sure their interests are being served. I’d like to concentrate on this issue, but I can’t because today is the day I am officially changing sides. I want to hang with the winners. I want to be liked by guys like Murray Blackwelder, John McCarroll, Warren Madden and Martin Jischke. I want to go to ritzy dinners in their honor and drink good wine at the grown-ups’ table. I just want to win once in a while. Railing against the man is tiring and, quite honestly, without rewards. If Robin Hood were alive today, the Sheriff of Nottingham wouldn’t need to hunt him down because the starving peasantry would insist he stop stealing on their behalf because he was a showoff blowhard. Let’s be frank: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RIGHTS. You never did. Oh sure, the Constitution says blah, blah this and blah, blah that. Bill of Rights? Who cares. You can only call on our nation’s most sacred documents so many times before the magic wears off and believe me, baby, the magic wore off back in the 50s when we were televising witch hunts for commies in Hollywood. You have no rights because you don’t care so why should I? Our Founding Fathers could have blown their noses on the piece of paper that was to become the Constitution and the results today would still be exactly the same. You have only the rights you are willing to take for yourself, defend regardless of convenience and exercise at your will. Once you give up one or all of these obligations, kiss those rights good-bye because you are not entitled to squat in this country and you never were. It was all a lie. Wake up, sell out or shut the hell up. Used to be you could count on people like me who were basically indignant, well-versed in the vocabulary of entitlement civil liberties. We were willing to sacrifice a little personal down time to get up on a soapbox and rail against tyranny in all its forms. But people like me are increasingly tired of standing up for your rights so we can get hung out to dry by public apathy. Take a look at the September 29th Movement. Say what you will about their annoyance factor on campus, at least they believed students had rights and should give them a workout once in a while. And what happened to them? Most of this campus thought they were comic relief. Well, I couldn’t blame anyone for not getting off their lazy butts to defend their rights. It’s so hard. We have cable in the dorms, pizza delivered until 3 a.m., free-flowing liquor, some pretty good sports teams so why bother rocking the boat? Life is good. If you aren’t willing to rock the boat, you shouldn’t be in the boat in the first place. Nice words, but that’s all they are in the end. I am going over to the other side right now because our administrators obviously understand their Nietzsche better than any students. Why not get while the getting is good? From this point on, consider me the guy on the side of the big money interests looking to put some fat Benjamins in my pocket wherever I can get them. Once I have a little power, maybe I’ll do some good for you pissants, but I doubt it. Why should I? I got mine, just try and get yours. Likewise, just try and depend on the good graces of the judiciary to be fair. After all, they have a moral obligation to be fair don’t they? I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. If they are going to be judging us on our squirrely behavior while sitting in the hot seat, they must be highly-qualified members of the psychiatric profession, right? Well, who cares, you don’t have to worry if you aren’t in trouble so sit back and relax. At least they will find it a lot easier to hang you on being 51 percent guilty (whatever the hell 51 percent guilty means) if you squirm in your chair while they play judge jury and executioner. I don’t know anyone accused of a crime who, no matter how innocent, didn’t look guilty as hell just because they were scared of being railroaded. I remember once in the fifth grade I was falsely accused of snapping some girls bra, Principal Dick Weed of Crescent Elementary actually said, “He’s denying it a little too much to be innocent.” With logic like that on their side, the judiciary can clean out anyone at will. But I don’t care because I am now on their side and fully intend to see this campus rid of undesirables who think they can come to this school and “trespass” in administrative buildings just to be “heard.” It’s like this time my sister got jumped by a couple of rich white girls who then said she started the fight. Two against one so I guess that counts for what 66 percent guilt? She deserved it for not being white on the playground. I don’t intend to be called onto the carpet before the judiciary, but if I did I would let them explain to my lawyer why he can’t be there, and if you are stupid enough to walk into a kangaroo court without one, then you deserve to get screwed too.