Fall will quickly be upon us. And with fall, comes two major sports that will be clamoring for your attention. On one side is baseball, with its pending postseason. On the other, football, with its season-opening hoopla and aspirations. To help you decide which to watch, let us delve into the debate of “Which is better: baseball or football?” To begin, August is the month that ushers in the pennant races in baseball. Football is just starting in August. Advantage: baseball. Baseball has time-honored traditions (the seventh-inning stretch). Football has pain-enduring traditions. Advantage: baseball. I don’t want to stand for the entire 60 minutes of a football game. Football players used to use steroids. Baseball players use steroids. Advantage: football. At least the NFL has a policy against steroids and checks it at random. Baseball is the only sport where the defense has the ball. Advantage: baseball, citing uniqueness and originality in concept of game. Football has dynasties with imposing names like “The Steel Curtain,” “Doomsday Defense” and the “Purple People Eaters”… Baseball has “The Big Red Machine.” Advantage: football. If the dynasty name doesn’t make you a little bit petrified, the name needs some work. Football is fast-paced, hard-hitting, and full of big plays. Baseball’s pace is timeless. Advantage: football. The attention span of Americans’ aged 18-45 is three seconds. You better use it. Which number is easier to remember: 755 or 16,726? The first is Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record. The second is Walter Payton’s record for all-time running and combined net yards. Advantage: baseball. Football is testosterone-driven. Baseball is intellectually-driven. Advantage: Stalemate. It would take a woman columnist to decide this one. Football coaches are like generals barking orders at the troops. Baseball coaches aren’t even coaches, they’re managers. Advantage: football. World War II wasn’t “managed,” it was won. Football coaches dress up in suits or collared shirts. Baseball managers wear the team uniform. Advantage: baseball. Sports closely resemble a democracy when the superior wears the same attire as his or her subordinates. Football has long pre-game shows while baseball occasionally has a pre-game show. Advantage: stalemate. If baseball would have stayed away from the pre-show, and its hyperbole, it would have won this one. Football has a player named “Bronko.” Baseball has a player named “Pee-Wee.” Advantage: football. Which name would you rather have? When football first originated, players played with missing teeth and broken noses. When baseball first originated, catchers caught without a mitt. Advantage: stalemate. Although technology is to blame for not providing a face mask or a glove, it’s debatable whether it is worse to have a face only a mother would love or have hands crippled beyond use. Football stadiums are filled with some 50,000 fans perpetually screaming. Baseball stadiums are filled with some 35,000 fans cheering when the opportunity presents itself. Advantage: baseball. This ties in with the `pain-enduring traditions.’ I don’t want to go see a doctor on Monday morning riddled with laryngitis. Football officials use the technology provided to them (instant replay). Baseball officials use their better judgment. Advantage: football. Devices can know measure bat speed, the exact distance a ball flew and miles per hour of a pitch. The umpires, however, still judge arbitrarily about what is a strike and what is not. Football officials are in shape. Baseball umpires have a tendency to make stops at buffet tables. Advantage: baseball. Why do you need to be in shape if you stand within a six foot radius all night and get paid handsomely for it? You can get drunk at a football game. You can get drunk at a baseball game. Advantage: slow-pitch softball. Its objective is to play drunk.