Despite the fact I’ve never taken a psychology class, I feel that in the last week I’ve hit upon the phenomenon that will take the discipline to new heights. Thanks to operating in a controlled environment with plenty of specimens at my disposal, I have formulated a theory that will revolutionize how we perceive an individual’s interactions with society. In fact, I have uncovered the secret for predicting how people will behave in all circumstances by simply and painlessly gathering some data. Finally, a way to find our serial killers without inkblots. A way to delve into the inner realms without electroshock therapy. And a very simple method to determine whether people have enough of a brain to justify a lobotomy. I worked the rush at the bookstore. While a simpleton may be wondering, “What does cashiering have to do with a paradigm shift in psychological research?” The perceptive mind is instantly piqued. Using the beginning of semester book-buying encounter as a microcosm, I can foresee the future of these student’s lives. Something in telling a college student that their total is $472.35 brings out their most base and primal responses. Like an involuntary surge of adrenaline or a subconscious decision to breathe, the knee-jerk reactions to blatant extortion give an extremely vivid window into the human psyche. From the physical, verbal and emotional data that I collected during observations, I have been able to infer the precise outcome of the lives of these unsuspecting guinea pigs. For example: the guy who, upon learning his total, tells you not to worry, because he has exactly $634.82 in the bank. He waxes on about his last deposit, what he managed to save, until finally you have a full financial profile of this dude. Prediction: his career in the CIA nipped short after his first 15 minutes on the job. The nickel and dimer. This freshman, (usually female) has full reign of Daddy’s credit card number at the bookstore, as long as she only uses it on textbooks. While she can buy $80 worth of ISU t-shirts, shot glasses, key chains and decals on her own credit card, the second the $2.35 course packet comes out of her basket she wants you to dig Daddy’s credit card number out of the file and laboriously punch in all 85 digits. Prediction: her love life is never successful as she tends to fight with prospective suitors about who should pay the remaining seven cents on a dinner bill. The class comedian: the following dialogue ensues with a customer and his friend after he hears the total. Friend: “Did they even ask you to bend over?” Customer: “No! They just shoved it right up.” Me: “Of course! I’m planning on becoming a proctologist some day.” Prediction: A surge of awareness in men’s health issues. The humorless and dense. These are the people who actually have the time to take a class like human sexuality. I ring up their book and casually ask, “So do you take a lab with this class?” Roughly one third laugh, happily fork over their money and feel less despondent about the fact they just signed their life away on their credit card. Another third stare blankly for a few seconds, chuckle weakly, and probably ask their friends if they had some weirdo ring them up at the bookstore. The other third exclaim, “Oh my gosh, there’s a lab?!? It’s not even on my schedule!?” Prediction: Much to the amusement of a lecture hall full of people, someone is going to raise their hand and ask if a lab practical is required. The reactionary. This is the guy who assumes I’m working on commission and that 50 percent of his sale is going to line my pockets. After some choice language and a soliloquy on the ills of textbook extortion, he angrily stomps out of the store muttering, “I won’t even open them anyway.” This comment made me wonder why he had wasted half an hour in line and dropped four hundred bucks. Prediction: he’ll get a deal during buybacks if his books are in mint condition. Needless to say, this window into the college psyche has been entertaining and enlightening. I feel I’ve gain tremendous wisdom in the area of human behavior. Like all serious scholars who have unearthed something relevant and pertinent, I feel compelled to write a book. A long, thick, heavy book. Perhaps the text for one of your classes next semester. I’m now a maven of social psychology, and I’ll charge you for it the next time you come to the bookstore.