Daily Staff Writer

Did you know that, traditionally, vampires did not run around the backwoods of Europe sucking the blood out of villagers with pointy teeth, swooping and lurking from hither to thither in service to the demons who had commandeered their souls? It’s true!

The original vampire was just that soul-sucking fiend who said things like “Let’s not ruin our friendship,” “You’re more like a girlfriend than a guyfriend” and “I wish my boyfriend were as nice as you.”