Well, the time has come for me to pen my final thoughts as a columnist for the Iowa State Daily. I’ll try not to make it too teary, but as I’ve been an avid reader of Oprah’s book club for several months now, I can’t promise anything.

My time at Iowa State has been an eye-opening experience. Before I arrived here four years ago, all I really knew of Iowa State was from the Playboy “Girls of the Big 12” issue. I’ve been both surprised and disappointed by what I’ve actually found here, but then again, real life can rarely live up to a good skin magazine.

I remember when I stood on the stoop with my father the day I left for the big school and he said to me “Son, I want you to go out there and be whatever you want to be. And for the love of God, don’t get anyone pregnant.” Dad, God and this week’s DNA test willing, you got your wish.

I arrived here a frightened, wide-eyed boy of 18. Nevertheless, with the help of my dorm chums, I soon felt at home. Ah, Scooter, Westy, Gimpy Pete, where are you now?

Even more than getting a degree, college is about making new friends. If the true measure of man is how many people call him their friend, I am truly, truly screwed.

College is also a time when we leave our high school friends behind. I’ve lost touch with a number of old pals from high school, only to meet up with them years later and think “thank God I didn’t turn out like that.”

I have been truly blessed during my time here. From ISU Theater, to Grandma Mojo’s, to the Daily, to the ISU ass-fishing club, I’ve always found a place I could fit in.

So many people have been instrumental in my college experience, it would take far too long to mention them all. Instead, I’d like to dump on a few institutions I never got the chance to.

I’d like to start with Copyworks, but oh, where to begin? The lousy service, the obscene prices, the questionable quality, it’s all there. My favorite routine of theirs is the one where I come in around midnight and stand at the counter for 12 minutes before any of the three employees in plain sight acknowledge me. Now that’s service, Copyworks style!

I’ve also meant to flip some foo at the ISU Objectivists Club ever since I almost got in a fight with one of their members. I almost went so far as to read “Atlas Shrugged,” but I figure if it looks like feces, and it smells like feces, it’s probably Ayn Rand.

I better stop. I don’t want to make my last column a downer. I’ve really enjoyed writing this column every week for the last two years. Ideas haven’t always been easy to come by, but I’ve found that a few good fart jokes can dress up even the most mundane-sounding topic.

I’ve only been stalked once as a result of this column, which leaves me to wonder — what’s wrong with the rest of you ladies? A cut of USDA Choice Man like this doesn’t come along every day. Perhaps you all prefer to meet your men through more traditional channels, and I respect that.

Sticking around is more tempting than people sometimes give it credit for, but I think it’s time for me to go. College is a wonderful moment, but a very fleeting one. The shift from upper-class hipster to freaky old guy happens faster than you think. That’s why I’m getting out while I’m ahead.

Are there things I wish I’d done? I suppose. I never did captain the ISU Cricket team to national glory, but given my near-debilitating fear of knickers, that was probably out of the question.

Several people have asked me what my plans are after graduation. Right now, I’m planning on moving to southern California to pursue a career in acting, writing, or pornography. At any rate, I figure the warm temperatures should make vagrancy a much more pleasurable experience.

On a serious note, I really do appreciate all the positive feedback and not hitting me with their car that people have bestowed on me for the last two years.

People generally either tell me they like what I have to say, or I’ve made them laugh. It’s nice to think I’ve achieved a little of both.

The great George Carlin has said that easy comedy goes after the little guy, but good comedy goes after the big guy.

It’s easy to be cynical, and Lord knows I can be, but truly great people remain compassionate, even in a world as painful and confusing as our own. Society lauds those who achieve wealth and power, but helping others still takes the greatest strength.

I wish you all nothing but the best, and thank you for taking the time out of your days to read what I have to say.

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Ben Godar is a senior in sociology from Ames. He is an assistant arts & entertainment editor of the Daily.