Letter to the Editor

To the editor:

I came to an important turning point in my life today, and I would like to give credit where credit is due.

For the past three years here at Iowa State, I have read countless letters about how homosexuality is wrong and immoral.

Today the impeccable logic of these letters finally sunk in, and I discovered they are indeed right: Homosexuality must be wrong.

All my life I mistakenly considered myself a human being worthy of freedom of expression, the pursuit of happiness and above all, the right to love. How wrong I was.

These eloquent individuals, through the use of highly sophisticated means of rationalization, have convinced me that indeed I am nothing more than an “ill-natured” and “sexually oriented-challenged” deviant.

Because of their eye-opening letters, I now will “choose” to deny my homosexual “lifestyle” and live a good, moral Judeo-Christian life complete with a heterosexual mistletoe kiss at Christmas. (I’ll be sure to send in pictures.)

Since these folks have provided me with so much insight into the true nature of my lifestyle, I would like to express my gratitude by exposing you to the horrific truth of a typical day in my life back when I still “chose” to be a homosexual.

Before I begin my gory description, I must first issue this disclaimer. If you have any type of heart condition, don’t read on, as the shock may just be too much for you.

The activities that I will describe are guaranteed to disgust you and make you ill.

If you can handle such a description, please continue.

A typical day started with my gay alarm clock waking me up at the ever so queer hour of 8 a.m. I would then take a nice, warm, gay shower and put on some gay clothes. I would leave my gay apartment at about 8:45 and gaily walk to class.

After class, I would head over to my gay job and perform such gay activities as sorting mail and filing papers.

At noon, I would gaily walk to another class, in which I would take gay notes using my gay pen and gay paper.

After class, I would head back home to my gay apartment and eat a gay lunch. After lunch, I would turn on my gay computer and check my gay e-mail.

If I was tired I would take a gay nap, otherwise I would do some gay homework or watch some gay television.

Around 6 p.m., I would eat a gay meal such as gay pizza or gay mac-n-cheese.

In the evening I would either do more gay homework, watch more gay television, or participate in gay activities with friends such as gay talking and gay hanging out.

Around 1 a.m. I would get in my gay bed, read a gay book for a few minutes, and fall gaily asleep and have big ol’ gay dreams.

Now I know many of you are in deep shock that I have such a sordid gay past.

But yes, I shamefully admit it is all true. I am just thankful that I have seen the light before my life had gotten any gayer.

Just think, if I stayed gay any longer I would have been stuck with a gay diploma all my life. Then I could have moved to a gay city and gotten a gay job.

And then maybe I would fall in gay love with a gay boyfriend and had a gay marriage (which naturally would have nothing to do with gay love, it would only function to destroy heterosexual unions) and we’d live in a gay house and I’d get gay hugs and gay kisses everyday!

Ahhhhh!

Jonathan Cass

Senior

Interdisciplinary studies