To the editor:

I have seen the light! Mr. Kelly, your letters have stirred some deep heterosexual feelings within my soul! I will now repent my lesbian ways and become the perfect housewife!

I will listen to Dr. Laura and subscribe to the godhatesfags.com mailing list!

I will preach to all telling everyone that “Aids Cures Fags.” I will raise my boys to love our country and not to think for themselves. Let the church do that. Thinking causes problems like the left wing and environmentalists.

I will throw away all of my Xena tapes and posters and burn all of that satanic Dungeons and Dragons and never let my children play it because it leads to fantasy worlds and open minds.

I will never work and make sure my husband supports me. We will have the perfect nuclear family with all kinds of family dinners and never let my children have personalities. I will never let them read “The Catcher in the Rye” or “Huckleberry Finn” or any philosopher because they are all godless heathens anyway.

And there will be no Darwin in our house. And if any of my children come out as gay, I will put them into electro-shock therapy and tell them that they are going to go to hell because that is where all gays belong.

Does this sound like it would suck to anyone else? We are all different, and I respect that. I want people to respect me. This letter isn’t meant to call nuclear families bad — it’s just meant to say that not all of us are the conforming type and we do not all believe the same things. Sometimes the world needs a little revolution — this is mine.

Sarah Schweitzer

Sophomore

History and women’s studies

Former president

LGBTAA