I have long thought religion a moot point in our cynical, scientific age. But recently I was unwillingly forced to listen to and participate in several discussions about religion.

Indeed, recent polls, conducted by God knows who, indicate that at least 70 percent of Americans believe in God or other fairy-tale- like beings.

So in the merry spirit of kicking a dead horse, here is my take on religion and its role in politics.

As George Bush has so thumpingly demonstrated, God is still a big force in our society.

The religious right are solidly behind this slow-witted Texan.

They even handed poor McCain his own head for his heresy about the role of religion, thus clearing the gangplank for big G.

It’s even suspected that God himself has personally given George his own recommendation.

And on a personal fashion note, I don’t know what three piece suits have to do with religion, but it’s strange that the entire religious right wears them.

Do you get excommunicated if you don’t wear a vest?

Bush, of course, has all the moral dexterity of a marionette as he is skillfully manipulated by the strings of his advisers.

To get votes, Bush will breathe brimstone and rattle pews with the best of them.

Frankly, when it comes down to the choice between the impenetrable density of Bush versus the robotic Al Gore, my lever is already pulled.

But perhaps we should all try to get Bush into the White House.

We could witness together the revival of martyrdom as a pastime.

Heretics could be cooked in order of sin level, so naturally the Democrats would be first in line. All of George’s State of the Union speeches could be preceded by that Darth Vader theme music.

Bush would not only bring prayer back to school. I’m sure he’d bring back priests to wander the school halls and sing hymns.

I have long since been diagnosed as an atheist and have long suffered the slings and arrows of outraged Methodists.

As an atheist I basically believe in nothing. I make no pretense of Sunday penitence or piety. I enjoy the extra sleep I get.

I have no moral obligations and no chance of acquiring a political office, which is unfortunate since the two seemed joined at the hip.

But atheists are oft-considered suspect people, bereft of conscience, and far be it from me to dispel this belief.

Basically we can do whatever we want. We can drink unlimited amounts of everything from beer to Dr Pepper.

Perhaps the only drawback is that we truly have no fashion sense whatever.

Liberal Christians exist in the purgatory between atheism and zealotry and are the most confused. They can often be seen reading Psalms while doing tequila shooters or wearing vests and jeans at the same time.

My problem with religion begins with that holy misconception of immaculate conception. Didn’t God, or whoever, pause a moment in his celestial adultery to consider his own little rules?

And on a broader note, while I enjoy the poetry of the Bible, which I have actually read, I cannot imagine how anyone could take up worshipping the fictional characters it represents. It’s a little too much like worshipping Hamlet as our savior.

And what about the Pope once again apologizing for the actions or inactions of his own church?

Especially that whole mix-up with the Holocaust and the Jews.

Catholicism is hitting rock bottom when its boss has to keep saying he’s sorry for all the evil his religion has perpetuated.

But I kind of like the Pope anyway.

He’s like Superman in how he deals with all the incredible and awful junk that goes on.

Of course, he doesn’t seem to ever solve any problems, especially political, or have any powers that we can admire.

Except for talking with God, of course, whom I don’t believe in anyway.

I’m sure that the Christian Coalition if any will unite against me for all of this atheistic pondering and shout in unison, “You’re despicable!”

But I persevere in my belief in a grand nothingness.

Personally, I prefer the idea of Hinduism as a religion. In it, we are all part of a huge force called the Brahman and when you die you are reincarnated.

Or in modern parlance, recycled.

What could be more modern and efficient? It’s a lot better than taking orders from some omniscient, bearded guy any day.

And oh yeah, go Cyclones!

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Dan Johnson is a graduate student in English from Davenport.