Madonna is a multitalented performer, or at the very least, she’s a gifted entertainer. OK, at the very least she does a very good job of being fabulous publicly.

Many critics have pointed out that acting is hardly her strong point, and her new movie, her first since 1996’s “Evita,” does little to disprove that conventional wisdom.

She probably would have been a lot better off if her character was larger than life, such as say Eva Peron or even “Desperately Seeking Susan.” But in “The Next Big Thing,” Madonna’s just a plain-old yoga instructor named Abbie whose biological clock is ticking fast. Not saying that the role of Abbie is a bad choice for Madonna, but it’s hard to buy the Material Girl as Every Woman.

The only man in Abbie’s life whom she can depend on is Robert (Rupert Everett, “My Best Friend’s Wedding”), who is gay. Robert and Abbie have apparently been friends for years, although there’s little on-screen chemistry between the two. It’s hard to believe that they’ve even known each other for 10 minutes.

Abbie gets dumped by yet another loser in a string of losers, and she turns to Robert for comfort. The two drink, listen to show tunes, drink some more and then wind up in bed together.

Abbie ends up being pregnant, and she offers Robert a chance to be a full-time father, which he accepts with relatively little deliberation. The two move in together, vow not to get married and raise Sam, who’s an uncharming 6-year-old for the majority of the movie.

Everything seems domestically blissful — Sam has two parents, Robert is a wonderful father and everybody’s happy. Until Ben (Benjamin Bratt, TV’s “Law and Order”) shows up, in the form of a suitor for Abbie and a threat to Robert’s role as a father figure.

Robert starts to freak out about the new guy on the block for inexplicable reasons (Ben makes it clear that he’s not looking to be Sam’s new father; he just wants to be a part of their lives). But he really freaks out (for good reason) when Abbie and Ben get engaged and want to move to New York and take Sam with them.

The movie then begins to dissolve into a courtroom battle in which Robert takes on Abbie for joint custody of Sam. Both characters then illustrate how to make a bad situation worse, as they threaten to expose each other’s dirty laundry in order to keep Sam. Both Abbie and Robert’s desperate methods to keep Sam don’t seem very believable, and for all the hoopla about the kid, he’s not seen too often.

“The Next Best Thing” could have been a movie with an important message: namely, that gay people can parent just as well (or in this movie’s case, better) as heterosexuals. It touches upon that theme, but “Thing” tries to be too many movies all at once.

First, it’s a movie about a woman who wants a child but is scared that her time’s almost up. Then, very quickly, it turns into a sitcom-like scenario in which Madonna and Rupert are playing house. Then the last part of the film attempts to be a tense courtroom battle, but it’s really just as dull as the previous two parts.

Everett’s a charming comedic actor, but his dramatic take on his character’s situation isn’t very convincing — although the script gives him little to work with. Madonna is given even less to do, but that’s not an excuse for her wild overacting and annoying scenery-chewing. She’s not the least bit convincing as a mother, which is ironic since she is one.

It seems the screenwriters didn’t know what to do with the characters of Abbie and Robert except to go to the two extremes: They made Abbie seem like a somewhat disinterested mother who’s more concerned about Ben than her child, and Robert’s such a good father that he borders on sainthood.

Probably the best thing that can be said about this movie is that it attempts to be smarter than it is. That and Benjamin Bratt, who has the most underwritten role of all the major characters, yet somehow manages to shine more than anybody.

2 Stars

Kate Kompas is a junior in journalism from Leclaire.