Thank god Disney didn’t make “2001” because this is what happens when you try to do serious science fiction with a light touch.

There are more things wrong with this move than right, but let’s start with the facts.

“Mission to Mars” is set in 2020 and tells the story of the first manned mission to the red planet. Two groups are being sent. The first groups lands and does some routine survey work and discovers a strange deposit that could be water, the key to long-term human colonization of Mars.

But a standard radar survey of a mountain turns into disaster. The second group of astronauts become a rescue mission and ultimately learn a shocking secret about our nearest neighbor.

That is pretty much it as far as plot. Still, the subject matter could easily have been done spectacularly over three hours if handled right. In this case, it was not.

This film was not done right by any standards. It is a light and fluffy look at what could have been a grand odyssey. “Rocket Man” was a better movie about the first manned Mars landing and had more to say about the human condition as well.

“Mission to Mars” has a great cast. Gary Sinise and Tim Robbins alone should have spelled “classic science fiction.” But the entire film had as much substance as a TV movie.

One plus was that the soundtrack wasn’t filled end to end with pop tunes, but in a movie this bad, a little Creed, Eminem and Goo Goo Dolls would have made a nice diversion. One classic Van Halen tune actually made the soundtrack enjoyable and realistic.

What this film did have was wall to wall ads for various products that had no place in a manned mission to Mars, let alone a film about the subject matter.

For example, the rover the astronauts drove around Mars in was clearly manufactured by Kawasaki. As unlikely as it seems that Kawasaki would make an ATV for Mars, it is still more appropriate than the Pennzoil sticker on the side of the vehicle.

Who is supposed to see a Pennzoil sticker on the side of an ATV on Mars? This isn’t a race track. There weren’t even any cameras shooting the mission.

At one point, a pack of Dr Pepper is used to locate an atmosphere leak on their craft. Why would astronauts even have Dr Pepper? When you’re traveling through space, weight considerations would make the need for caffeinated beverages almost nil.

As if NASA wouldn’t have a realistic contingency plan for air leaks, anyway. Would astronauts really have to think of some clever, impromptu way of detecting air leaks? Doubtful.

M&Ms are also used in several scenes as part of a major plot point. Without them, a stunning realization would not have been made about life on Mars. If the greatest mystery of human life ever is contingent on the presence of candy-coated chocolates, we have much bigger problems than how to get home after crash-landing on another planet.

But then again, M&Ms weren’t the most saccharine thing about “Mission to Mars.” The whole thing is so sickeningly sweet, the concession stand should have handed out free insulin shots to anyone who requested them.

The special effects were done much better over thirty years ago when Kubrick made this movie the right way. Too much time was spent trying to impress us with making it look like the astronauts were really spinning through space.

Prior relationships were brought up only to let us know why characters were going to make important decisions later on in the film. Other than that, it didn’t matter whose spouse was alive or dead.

The characters friendships seemed plastic and phony emotional. The professionalism the astronauts exhibited in one or two scenes was overshadowed by blatantly stupid moves in the next just to emphasize their heroism.

The patriotism was played to the hilt but only served to make one quite ashamed that this film was American.

In short, avoid “Mission to Mars” like a micro-meteor storm unless you can see it for free and want something to complain about. This very same movie has been made better on several other occasions and served no purpose other than plugging products that shouldn’t have been there to begin with.

1 Star

Rating based on a 5 Star scale

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs.