Today is the final day of the Government of the Student Body elections, and as a well-known local celebrity I am urging each and every one of you to get out and vote.

This year I know two candidates who would serve the Iowa State University student body with pride and distinction. I urge you to write in Joel Uckelman for GSB president and Nate Ellefson for GSB vice-president.

Yes, the GSB elections are a dog-and-pony show. It really is a popularity contest like in high school, but the difference here is money. GSB may be impotent in the face of the university, a little club for kids who pass resolutions whining about Jischke and the Board of Regents, but they are responsible for spending your student fees.

The two candidates I am supporting will increase the visibility of GSB, make themselves more accessible, listen to your concerns and network among you. They will uphold the GSB Constitution and serve their offices honorably. As outsiders they will take on the Washington special interests and end pork-barrel spending. With their combined strength they can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

Oops, wrong campaign promise!

Meaningless campaign lies aside, since the invention of the printing press, newspapers have told you what to think and how to vote. In national elections they aren’t that much help because most people can guess what their party stands for, but in local elections for county hog commissioner they are vital. For GSB, if you haven’t read the newspaper then you haven’t seen much besides some table tents and colorful flyers with trite propaganda.

So you may not know the candidates, but I do. I have known Joel Uckelman and Nate Ellefson for the past three years and can vouch for their integrity, honesty and superior intelligence. Like every other cardboard cut-out candidate, they have proven track records of leadership. Uckelman is the president of the ISU Quiz-Bowl team, and Ellefson has served as secretary and executive associate of the ISU College Republicans. He is also the leader of a secret society, but I can’t really tell you what it is because then it wouldn’t be a secret. But I can tell you he is the leader.

Both are full members of the Honors Program and, in all honesty, are probably the smartest candidates for the job. Uckelman is a junior in philosophy with a 3.80 GPA. Ellefson is a senior in computer engineering and electrical engineering and maintains a 3.51 GPA.

What really showcases their intelligence is that they know GSB is pretty worthless. You don’t need a huge board of elected officials to dole out money to all the student groups. A paid accountant could do the job better.

And those strongly worded resolutions against the university? A few trained monkeys with typewriters could do the job. Hell, give me ten bucks and I’ll write something really inflammatory!

Uckelman is a philosophy major who will stay in academia. Ellefson, with two difficult majors and a stratospheric GPA, already has lucrative job offers. Neither one of them needs to be elected to pad his resume. But they would like the positions because they do want to shake up the system.

They know none of you care. And neither do they. That was why they didn’t bother to pass around petitions to get on the ballot. Last year turn-out was 6 percent. If memory serves me correctly, the winning candidates had barely as many votes as signatures needed to get on the ballot.

Actually, they might have had less. I can’t remember. But Uckelman and Ellefson want to mobilize the other 94 percent who don’t know, don’t care and don’t vote.

As I said before, they are honest. Uckelman feels that an accountant could do the job of the GSB senate in disbursing money. That is why his campaign pledge is to disband GSB and send everyone home. For everyone who couldn’t care less what GSB does with itself, there is only one sane choice: Uckelman and Ellefson.

Sure, Joel Uckelman wants the parking spot. He also wants to put a huge concrete block there because he doesn’t have a car. He doesn’t feel anybody should have that spot.

Since their platform is all about disbanding GSB there is no need for them to make any other campaign promises except one. Joel Uckelman has vowed to spend the entire GSB budget on one huge kegger.

I know that sounds like an outrageous promise but you have to keep in mind that he is from Carroll, Iowa.

During the last national census, the county that town is in had the highest per capita alcohol consumption second only to Compton.

Let me tell you, Joel Uckelman knows how to drink, and as your write-in candidate for GSB president, he will spend your money the way a majority of you want it spent.

If you haven’t voted already, I urge you to stop and vote at either the Memorial Union Sun Room, the Durham Computation Center, the College of Design lobby or the Kildee Hall lobby.

Just ask for a ballot and write in Uckelman for president and Ellefson for vice-president.

Sure, you don’t know them. But would you rather vote for a stranger who makes the perpetual promise to “talk tough” to the university, or the one who knows GSB shouldn’t be taken seriously?

Really, when you consider that GSB has an annual budget of nearly 1.2 million dollars, and the going rate for a keg is fifty dollars, you can see that twenty-four thousand kegs would make one incredible party.

I know I left out tax and shipping, but I’d be willing to bet that Budweiser would cut us a special deal to be the official sponsor. Write in Uckelman and Ellefson.

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Aaron Woell is a senior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill. Who can guess where his campaign promise came from?