The Lady Lions don’t stand a chance.

When Penn State and Iowa State tangle tomorrow night in Kansas City, the Cyclones will emerge victorious.

Guaranteed.

Any wager you can come up with, I’ll take it. Ten bucks? Twenty? Fifty? Whatever.

I’d even bet the proverbial farm, provided of course that I had one.

The thing is, we’re not even really talking about a prediction here. I don’t think the Cyclones might win. It’s not even a question of confidence or optimism.

I know they’ll win.

It all comes down to several cold, hard facts.

Exhibit A

January 28, 1996

First-year head coach Bill Fennelly prepared his upstart Cyclones to host a juggernaut Nebraska Cornhusker team that Iowa State had managed to beat only 11 times in 40 prior meetings, and not once in the previous nine.

The Huskers also came to town battle-tested, having faced a number of national powers and sporting a 13-5 record. They’d go on to wrap up a third-place conference finish and secure a trip to the NCAA tournament.

Despite great credentials and expert predictions, Nebraska would return to Lincoln on the low side of a 79-77 overtime loss. In front of a packed house of 1,596, sophomore forward Janel Grimm scored 18 points in leading the Cyclones to the seemingly impossible win.

Iowa State shot a blazing .516 from the floor and .400 from beyond the three-point arc in the victory.

Exhibit B

February 19, 1997

Attendence was growing by leaps and bounds, as was Cyclone optimism, while the 1996-97 season played out in Ames. Iowa State stumbled out of the Big 12 gate, but had put together back-to-back wins when legendary coach Jody Conradt brought the Texas Longhorns to town on a cold February night.

Hopes for a third straight win were slim, as the ‘Horns entered Hilton with an 18-4 record and a No. 9 national ranking. Going into the contest, Iowa State had never defeated a top 10 foe, only beating six top 25 opponents in the program’s history.

Before the night was over, junior forward Jayme Olson had turned a double-double, scoring 22 points and pulling down 10 rebounds. What’s more, the Cyclones had their first-ever top ten win, a 74-56 shellacking of Texas.

Exhibit C

January 20, 1998

Despite blizzard conditions, 3,188 fans showed up to watch a 15-2 ISU squad tangle with their highest-rated opponent in over three years.

Marsha Sharp brought the blazing Lady Raiders to town, ranked No. 5 in the nation. Texas Tech had not lost to a Big 12 foe coming in, and wouldn’t lose to one thereafter, finishing the conference season in first place and sweeping through the Big 12 Tournament.

This frigid night, however, belonged to Fennelly’s Cyclones. Playing perhaps the best basketball since the program’s inception, Iowa State again pulled off the impossible upset, sending the Lady Raiders home with the only blemish on their Big 12 record, an 82-73 setback.

Sophomore Stacy Frese knocked down an amazing 7-of-11 three-pointers to finish the game with 24 points.

Exhibit D

March 20, 1999

In their first-ever Sweet Sixteen appearance, the Cyclones were a perfect fit for the “just happy to be here” role.

Facing a 29-4 UConn Husky squad that also happened to be the Mideast region’s No. 1 seed, Iowa State could have learned a lot from a hard-fought loss.

Unfortunately for the Huskies, Fennelly’s team again pulled off the unthinkable.

By connecting on a barrage of three-pointers in the final minutes, Iowa State posted an amazing 64-58 win and finished the game with four players in double-digits.

So, what I’m basically saying here is, I really don’t care about the Lady Lions.

I don’t care if they outscore opponents by an average of 17.8 points a game. I don’t care if they hold teams to 38 percent shooting from the floor. I don’t even care how many three-pointers Lisa Shepherd hit against Auburn last week.

The only relevant facts are these:

Every season, Bill Fennelly will win at least one impossible game.

The 1999-2000 Cyclones have yet to pick up that win.

At this point, I realize impossible games aren’t easy to come by for Iowa State. In fact, going into this weekend, they haven’t even played in what could be considered an impossible game. Nevertheless, I have no doubt the trend will continue.

So take your Big 10 records and your Helen Darling stats and get them out of my face. They all mean nothing.

In fact, there’s really only one objection I’d even consider entertaining.

Perhaps Penn State doesn’t really offer that impossible challenge the Cyclones have overcome in the past.

In all honesty, even Louisiana Tech may only offer the same difficult — but not impossible — task the Cyclones have faced several times this year.

The truth is, a Final Four showdown with UConn may be the only truly impossible game Iowa State could hope to play.

None of this really matters right now, though.

We can debate the ins and outs of impossible matchups and Cyclone successes on Tuesday.

While we order our tickets to Philly.

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Ron DeMarse is a senior in liberal studies from Muscatine.