Spring Break is reeling ever closer and college students everywhere are getting jittery with anticipation.

Spring Break is that most sacred of college traditions that allows undergrads to openly join the dark side for a week. So in this spirit, I have some suggestions on how we can all prepare ourselves for the mayhem to come.

First, go read all those John Grisham novels, every one of them, one after the other. This may not seem so bad when you start, but wait until you finish that last gripping thriller and realize all the time you have just wasted.

Next, go rent “Congo” and try to watch it all the way through with no tricky fast forwarding. Now, this is pretty close to masochism, but that’s what Spring Break is all about. Watching this movie will prepare you for the self destructiveness which will soon ensue.

As an alternative to “Congo,” rent any of those Ben Affleck movies instead. This will lead you immediately to my next suggestion.

Go out and drink until you throw up on everyone at least twice. Just drink one of everything. Tell everyone it’s your birthday and you can make this process much cheaper. Do this every day until break starts and you will be well prepared.

The day before break actually begins, you can join AA and then just spend the next week sitting on a beach getting a tan.

As a more radical suggestion, try to get thrown out of at least two restaurants and one theater for behaving obnoxiously. This isn’t as easy as it appears.

Some places will put up with anything as long as you continue to buy things. But make the attempt. Spit at your waiter if you have to. Insist upon sampling other people’s food. Wave your arms around and declare that Bill Gates is the anti-christ. Whatever works.

Try to get into at least one fight. And I mean a real fight, not just a pushing contest. Sometimes there is nothing better than an old fashioned head-breaking altercation. It will do you good in the long run. So go take your lumps and try not to break anything.

Take up smoking. And I don’t mean take up smoking crack. Ordinary tobacco will do. It doesn’t have to be cigarettes, of course. You can take up cigars or those big English pipes if you want to.

I took up smoking recently, and someone immediately pointed out that the brand I had selected also endorsed the KKK. So in addition to getting cancer, I’m also politically incorrect.

Participate in the political process. Nothing will deaden your brain cells quicker than getting involved with any aspect of the government at any level.

Once enmeshed in the governmental quagmire, you will quickly sink into unremitting apathy about everything.

But this is normal and it will leave you plenty of time for drinking.

Go to a strip bar. This is mostly a guy thing, of course, but anyone can try it. And incidentally, these women for the most part are not exotic dancers by any stretch of the euphemism.

Strip clubs take their origin from burlesque and by their very nature are linked to a kind of low grade vulgarity. If you go to one of these clubs sober, it will strike you as either odd or faintly dull.

But try it anyway. It will prepare you for all the wet t-shirt contests just around the corner.

Indulge your vices. Why wait for Spring Break? Why not be a little rebellious and precede all your friends to all those hangovers? Why do we all so meekly accept this mere week of insanity as our pittance?

Everyone is so worried about their cholesterol, their mileage and their annual income after graduation. Whatever happened to irresponsibility? Go out and eat a tub of butter if you want. Buy a Chevy. Become an English major.

On the flip side, here are some suggestions for off-setting all those negatives. Skip the latest episodes of both “Friends” and “ER.” TV time is not time well spent. Why not read some poetry instead? Or visit some of the non-porn related educational sites on the net. Read a book that isn’t required for a class. Take up jogging.

Well, digression strikes again, but try to have fun on Spring Break. Personally, I’m gonna be sitting at home playing Scrabble. But whatever you do, let’s be careful out there, okay?

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Dan Johnson is a graduate student in English from Davenport.