Time can now go backwards apparently. What the great William Hazlitt said on his deathbed, “I am afraid things will go back again,” may now come true.

Lawrence Schulman of Clarkson University, a statistical physicist, has proposed the theory that time may flow backwards in the “dark matter” which makes up much of our universe.

Okay, true or not, who cares? But what if we could visit this dark matter universe? Faster than you can say mixelplix, we are there.

Consider that in this backwards universe you will immediately forget all those stupid things you do immediately after you do them.

So go crazy, and do whatever you want. Start fires and break bottles with your head. It doesn’t matter. Reverse time will erase all of this.

And more importantly, there will be no more hangovers because drinking will now be the result of hangovers. So drink all you want.

But then again, you’d never get to drink anything anyway. Beer would flow out of your mouth and back into kegs. Ok, ok, that’s too much I know. Beer back into kegs? No, it can’t be. But it gets worse.

You would never eat anything either. You would undigest, unswallow and unchew until you filled your plate every time. Your only solid meal would be when you throw up.

And this is my big sticking point. Do you really have to ingest your own vomit in reverse time? If so, I’m out. Forget the whole thing. Ingest your own vomit. I can’t believe it’s finally in print.

But on the plus side, you would be younger every day. Everyone really would miss the good old days, but it wouldn’t matter because nobody would remember them. Your entire memory would be going down the drain every day. Unmarried, unengaged, ungraduated, nothing would be going anywhere.

Does this mean people would want to be old? Is that possible in any universe really? Wouldn’t old people just be an inexplicable anomaly?

But here’s the weird thing. It all ends when you’re born. Your biggest fear rests in being conceived and everyone dreads diving back into the womb. And is God now pictured as a big, drooling baby in Pampers?

Ok, more good stuff. No more decay or dissolution. That’s a thing of the future! Every day you get healthier and perkier. Of course, many people would now begin their lives with terminal illnesses, but not to worry, you’ll get better.

Think of all the lost hopes made hopes again. Or better yet, think of all the rain that would now fall up off your head.

Wars would now create people. Wounds knit up, arms reattach as the soldiers march off the field in profound relief. Everyone would be anxious for the war to start so they could all go home.

Sex would now suit men just fine. First the orgasm, then foreplay, then dinner.

That Cuban kid would actually be sent home in a speedy manner.

Jim Carrey would have to give back all those Golden Globes he won which makes sense in any universe.

Putin would never be named leader of Russia. Does anyone believe this happened anyway? The former head of the KGB is now leader of Russia. Are the Russians out of their collectivized minds? How good is Yeltsin looking to everyone right now?

But anyway, you would start out your life knowing everything. You would get more ignorant every day, with the exception of computer engineers. I just don’t think that’s possible for them.

In school, all that stuff about past participles that no one ever understood would now make no sense to anyone. Verb tenses would be out the window. Conjugation would be a profanity.

Psychics would predict what happened yesterday. Skeptics scoff that no one can tell the past.

In reverse time, I’d even vote for Bush. I’d never remember doing it anyway. At least I’d never have to say, “I can’t believe I voted for Bush.”

And here’s my cynical two cents on politics. Why don’t we just have giant iguanas duel to the death for the title of President? It would make just as much sense as anything else.

I mean, do you think an iguana is gonna raise taxes? They don’t even know what taxes are.

The world in rewind, I could do it. Everyday I’m younger, faster and more ignorant. Let’s do it all again! Set the sucker in reverse. I’m ready.

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Dan Johnson is a graduate student in English from Davenport.