I am not a Republican. There, I said it, so those of you who might have been suspicious about why I keep harping on about the evils of capitalism and raising the minimum wage now know.

But when I zig and people expect me to zag next, I zog, baby! This is definitely a zog day because I want to talk about what I like about John McCain.

The thing I like most about John McCain is that he is not George W. Bush. That guy is creepy, and no matter what you say, being the governor of Texas doesn’t do much for me.

It certainly doesn’t convince me that the guy is already the next best thing to being president; I don’t care how large their economy is.

Texas is very much like a miniature country, and in some respects, it is as much a miniature United States as any other state, but they do things their own way down there.

Let’s take the example of Betty Lou Beets. She is on death row awaiting the electric chair next week, and Dubya won’t even consider a clemency hearing even thought the woman was a battered wife.

So sure is he that the death penalty is a flawless cure,all for the moral condition of America that he won’t even consider that it is an inappropriate punishment even under these circumstances.

This isn’t steadfastness, this is just bullheaded, bury-your-face-in-the-sand ignorance.

I don’t care how married you are to the death penalty, you have to admit that mistakes can happen in the justice system.

And if you are certain that someone needs to die for her crime, why not listen to what she has to say? Make sure you still think she needs to die and THEN fry her.

It’s your job, Dubya, to review these cases. Sure, you have the option to ignore them, but what scares you most about taking the time to listen to the facts?

Are you afraid you might be convinced by Mrs. Beets, and then you would have to look weak in front of your constituents by letting her live her life in prison?

Since when has life behind bars become the same thing as leniency?

Mistakes can happen anywhere and at any time. When it comes to government-sanctioned killings, we need to be damn sure we’re right until we wise up and find it within ourselves to stop killing criminals altogether.

Another thing I like about McCain that makes me an atypical liberal is his hard-core military experience. They don’t come any tougher than McCain.

Not every military man is supremely qualified for public service.

I don’t go so far in my admiration of military service to believe that just doing your time in the service or even fighting a war makes you necessarily better qualified than the average citizen.

That kind of dogmatic warrior praising does go against the grain.

I’ve got a few Vietnam vets in my family, and I wouldn’t want to see them elected treasurer of Government of the Student Body, let alone any higher office.

But any man or woman who puts his or her life on the line for the greater good of others has a special quality — a unique glow.

When John McCain refused to leave that Vietnamese P.O.W. camp when he could have been given preferential treatment, very few people would have blamed him for taking the deal, but he refused to leave his men behind.

When the Viet Cong wanted to forcefully put his mug on film to show how well prisoners were treated, he cut his forehead.

When they put a hat on him, he battered his own face on the table so they couldn’t use him for their own ends.

The guy has been tortured and stood up to it. Kinky as it may sound, most of us have wondered how much torture we could withstand before we spilled our guts.

As much as we might like to believe we could withstand the pain and ask for more, the truth is that even the strongest of people will fold under those conditions.

I could go on all I want to about how much torture I think I could take, and who knows, maybe I would surprise myself.

If the torture were pinching, I might survive. But when you start talking about breaking knees or hot pokers in ANY orifice — I’m ready to confess right now.

About the time somebody put a gun to my head and said, “Talk, or the next round won’t be empty,” I’d probably give the guy my mother’s home phone number and the address where she works. Am I proud of that? Hell, no, but it’s a fact.

You can pay lip-service to public service all you want, but the closest most public figures get to fulfilling this promise to the American people is in keeping their dirty laundry a secret and stealing less than their opponent.

So, while I still won’t be voting for McCain because the day I vote Republican is the day after I get a lobotomy, I am glad he is starting to do to George Dubya Bush what he did to Charlie back in Nam.

Have you ever sat in the same room with a guy you knew was 10 times the man you could ever be?

It’s pretty disconcerting if you’re a guy and probably a HUGE turn-on if you’re a woman [insert appropriate gender-neutral alternatives as necessary].

What must be going through Dubya’s head every time he sits down in the same room with McCain?

I’m guessing it’s the same color and consistency of what goes into his shorts and that will also be his undoing.

The public sees those two together and they just know who rocks and who has rocks in his head.

So here’s to you John McCain, just about the only Republican I wouldn’t be totally scared to have in the White House.

With all that said and done, vote as far left as you possibly can every time you vote, because who are we kidding?

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily.