Valentine’s Day is rolling around, and once again heavily ritualized dating practices will be rolled out. Men will be expected to buy personalized flower bouquets and have the London Symphony flown in to play at romantic candle-lit dinners.

You know, in the old days it wasn’t this tough. All Caveman Grog had to do to find a woman was whack her over the head with his club and drag her back to his cave. Nowadays that won’t work, unless you happen to be a Southern Baptist or Missouri Synod Lutheran.

The difficulty in attracting a mate has made the world a bitter and cynical place. People everywhere seem to be rebelling against the holiday of love by holding anti-Valentine’s Day bashes.

Even Cinemax is showing a special anti-love movie marathon, which is probably just an excuse to show more gratuitous sex.

It seems on Feb. 14 everyone without a significant other laments their loneliness. Most guys I know will be drowning his or her sorrows in alcohol. Even Carmen is depressed, although his worry is that he’ll never get laid before 2022, when a large asteroid may smash into the Earth (CNN 2/8/2000).

Really, my only complaint concerning the Hallmark holiday revolves around how it is no different from every other day. Men are always expected to win the affections of women, but on Feb. 14 it is demanded. And whatever plan of action you decide upon, it always has to be original and romantic.

Buy roses or carnations, and your significant other has grounds for divorce or going Lorena Bobbitt on you.

Actually, I think I speak for most men when I say that women need to start doing their fair share of the courtship.

Call it the final frontier of women’s liberation if you will. Women wanted empowerment and equality, so we gave them the right to vote. Now it’s time they take the ball and run with it.

They should put out some effort and buy us flowers. Honestly, when was the last time you had a woman show up with a gift on a day other than your birthday?

Despite the widespread cynicism, I still have hope that every person, be they man, woman or other, finds that special someone. I wish I had some words of wisdom for the dating world, but like Christian Slater said in “Pump Up the Volume,” if I knew anything about love, I’d be out there making it instead of talking to you people.

However, I have watched a lot of movies and remembered the lessons of pop culture. This makes me a qualified expert on the subject.

Besides, most of those dating guides are written by 50-year-old single men who still live with their mothers and haven’t had a date since Woodstock.

The one lesson I learned from movies is that the bar is not the ideal place to pick up women. Every guy goes there to pick up a girl, and the women know this.

This puts them on the defensive in addition to being cynical and bitter over their last break-up. Factor in expensive drinks and some country fan who monopolizes the juke box ,and the bar drops in social standing.

Plus, both sexes want the odds in their favor. If one bar has too many men, the women will show up hoping to get their pick of the litter.

At the same time half the men desert that bar in search of the women rumored to be in the other bar.

They never meet, instead passing each other on the sidewalk in a migration of sexes that resembles a flock of geese.

I believe those bar scene basics have forced people to find new avenues for meeting the opposite sex.

Personal observation leads me to believe that niche is being filled by the rec.

During prime meat-market hours (7 to 10 p.m.) women wear skimpy outfits that preclude exercise, and men strike their most heroic poses without actually lifting any weights. Even in the morning, most guys clear out the second women’s aerobics ends.

So we have the rec, but where else? According to popular magazines such as Better Homes and Gardens and Amish Housekeeping, other great places to meet women include bake sales, quilt auctions and barn raisings.

But really, I don’t think those places work too well. I have got to tell you that raising a barn is hard work. And you always stand out like a sore thumb, which you get from smacking yourself with the hammer too many times.

According to television, other good places to meet women include work, your place of residence and class. Truthfully, I’d rather not be at work any longer than I have to, and the last thing on my mind at the end of the night is not picking up the cashier. It’s usually sleep.

Your place of residence is another place I would counsel against. Bad news travels faster than the speed of light, and rumors spread like AIDS in Africa.

And the old saying all is fair in love and war holds true; even friends will stab you in the back. In good conscience I cannot recommend a pre-emptive back-stabbing because the local hospital isn’t all that good. Besides, you need friends to jump on the occasional grenade.

I suppose if I had to pick a favorite it would have to be class. You get to see people three times a week, and even the most inane conversation you come up with will be more interesting than the teacher’s lecture.

That being said, no women in my classes will probably ever speak to me again now that they know of my nefarious schemes. But that’s okay. I just need to find another class before 2022.

Aaron Woell is a senior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill. He is now going to run and hide.