Over the past month and a half, I have watched the luck of Elian Gonzalez, the six-year-old Cuban boy pulled from the ocean, go from bad to worse to terrible as he gets jerked around in the saddest game of political tug-of-war I have ever seen.

Any other day, Elian probably would have been sent to live with his relatives in Miami without any press at all.

Since he got pulled out of the drink on Thanksgiving, he made national news and Castro caught wind of the tale. Enter conflict number one: United States vs. Cuba.

If you think for one minute that Castro is at all concerned about Elian returning to Cuba and being reunited with his father, I hope it’s because you’ve been frozen since 1955 and not because you’re stupid. I bet Castro hopes Elian stays in the United States so he can still complain about it forever.

Elian’s dad, Juan Miguel Gonzalez, has made several teary-eyed pleas to return his son to him in Cuba.

He has said he didn’t know that his ex-wife was taking him. I had this sneaking suspicion from the very start that Elian’s dad didn’t want him to come back to Cuba.

This is not to say he doesn’t love the kid or want to see him again. It just seems weird to me after conversing with some former Cuban citizens that anyone would want their kid to come back to Cuba after making it to the United States.

If you’re like me, I would admit to sex change operations if it would save my hide from Castro.

My theory was vindicated on Saturday after Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) met with Elian and relatives. “There is more than circumstantial evidence that this may have been a family decision — including the father — that this child be here in America.”

Battle No. 2features the New York Senate race between Hillary Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani. It turns out that there are a lot of Cubans and other Hispanics in New York City.

If Wild Bill pushed to let Elian stay he would have been accused of sucking up to the million plus Hispanics in New York on his wife’s behalf in the campaign, and he’d have to do battle with Castro after relations had been warming up.

So he was pretty much stuck having the INS and Justice Department work to send Elian back.

The third bout on the card pits elephants vs. donkeys. With Clinton and the democrats stuck sending Elian back, the GOP has responded in similarly touching ways.

After years of listening to their “family values” crap, many Republicans want to keep the guy here. This highlights how much I have to learn about family values.

A few days ago, I saw George W. Bush on TV, suggesting that we don’t have to send Elian back, we can bring his dad here. Bush’s current job is governor of Texas.

Here’s a little geography lesson for y’all; Texas has a very long border with Mexico, across which Mexicans try to sneak into the United States and are sent back on a daily basis.

I guess if I were to look up Bush’s record on immigration, it would clearly show his great love for immigrants.

Then U.S. Representative Dan Burton (R-Indiana) gave Elian a Congressional subpoena to keep him here until Feb. 10, well after his scheduled Jan. 14 return to Cuba. I wasn’t too sure what a six-year-old could testify about that one of any other million older, more articulate and informed Cuban exiles couldn’t.

“The purpose of our subpoena is to make sure that the proper procedures are followed and that the courts decide what’s best for this boy.” Burton said.

So, in essence, he admitted that he subpoenaed someone with no intention of them testifying. Looks like abuse of power and didn’t we have one hell of a hullabaloo about that last year with old Bill?

On Saturday, Sen. Smith had a heart-to-heart conversation with Elian and his relatives and is now a leading advocate of him staying here.

Since he’s a fluent hispa¤ohablante from New Hampshire, he has intimate knowledge of the plight of Cuban exiles.

Or maybe it’s because of the primaries in New Hampshire.

Battle number four features pissed-off Cuban exiles who are already mad about immigration laws.

They parade the poor kid around as some sort of hero and figurehead.

They give him tons of toys and take him to Disneyland, which will make it a lot easier for the kid to return to Cuba if he has to.

Spencer Eig, attorney for Elian’s relatives, accused U.S. authorities of denying Elian a political asylum hearing, which virtually no one gets. Elian is a great contender, too; being six makes it hard to be a real revolucionario.

Since no one really has Elian’s best interest in mind, I suggest that Elian and his Dad become the first citizens of EuroDisney.

That way he doesn’t have to go back to Cuba, but more importantly he doesn’t stay here to be a symbol of every political movement under the sun.

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Erik Hoversten is a senior in math from Eagan, Minn.