I have to applaud the Department of Residence on deciding to use convicted felons to work in the dorms. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I happen to be in favor of using prisoners for everything.

From medical experiments to manned missions to Mars, there is nothing the human race can’t accomplish with pissed-off, sociopathic slave labor behind us — it’s our strength. It erected the pyramids, it built Rome and, god willing, it will clean our toilets.

My relatives in the joint owe me money and I’m not getting paid until they get better jobs than the usual prison telemarketing gig.

Prison labor isn’t exactly the same thing as slavery, but until we get armies of trained monkeys, it will have to suffice.

I have to give the DOR credit on this one. Not since the English used Australians as cannon fodder at Gallipoli has a greater cost-cutting scheme been devised.

The advantages are obvious and plentiful. Allow me to enumerate them for your onanistic pleasure until I can find a down side.

Prisoners earn less than union employees and god knows they steal less than students. I am pro union AND a student. I ain’t no damn good, I tell you, and I don’t trust you either. Hire a student and kiss your stuff good-bye.

You don’t have to insure prisoners. If they get crushed moving furniture, nobody gives a damn. If they die on the job, we are doing society a favor.

You don’t even need to feed them food service, they get by just fine on thin gruel. In fact, thin gruel is too good for ’em. Let them thin out the rabbit population around here if they want lunch. They’d probably thank us.

Students have long felt like the lowest form of life on campus. Frankly, this isn’t going to change.

We won’t be moving up from the bottom any time soon. So let’s renovate the bottom. We need this.

Preachers can come to campus and spit all over convicts for a change. A little drinking and screwing on the part of students doesn’t look too bad next to a former bank president convicted of embezzling and soliciting sex from a nun.

Why should we be walking through crow crap when prisoners are sitting idle in their cells? Let’s clean up this damn campus “Cool Hand Luke” style.

“Can I go to the Hub, boss?”

“NO!”

“Check my e-mail, boss?”

“Well, okay.”

I want check-bouncers, murderers and pedophiles with snorkels dredging Lake Laverne, grouting the Campanile and waxing the Commons toute suite. This place is a pig sty. Cigarette butts, lost freshmen, used English textbooks — WE aren’t picking them up, might as well get an orange jumpsuit with a number stenciled on the back to do it.

But why stop with routine cleaning and maintenance when we could be saving money across the board?

We could take care of the student security problem by hiring felons to roam campus all hours of the night. Let’s face it, they were gonna do it anyway. If these guys are audacious enough to demand respect like the last ones, we can just stick them in solitary. Maybe a night in the box will change their attitudes.

If you don’t mind shards of glass, they could work in food service.

Make prisoners a part of the ISU family and they could easily shut down “nuisance parties.” Don’t send the cops, send some cross-eyed lifer with bad breath, tattoos and a knife he made out of a spoon; clear out those frat boys fast, I guarantee

The only real problem with hiring prisoners is somebody could get a shivved on the quad when the bulls aren’t paying attention, but that’s a small price to pay for frugality.

If they go after the non-breeding males, that will help balance out the males to females ratio and that can’t hurt.

Chain gangs aren’t just for your Southern states any more, so get with it Iowa State.

The argument that these prisoners aren’t hard-core murderers and rapists does little to calm the nerves. You aren’t crazy to be concerned. You’re not a bad person or a raging Republican for being afraid.

This is one issue that both sides of the political spectrum can get together on. Let the bigotry flow! If there is one time in your life when it’s okay to be politically incorrect, it’s when you don’t want prisoners in your home.

Granted, people can change; I believe in rehabilitation. Hell, I even believe that a certain number of these guys have to be innocent victims of poor legal representation.

But sometimes you just have to let your baser instinct for survival take over, pre-judge and save your ass!

A minimum security check bouncer that hasn’t been near a woman in three years is still a little too risky for those who actually care about the safety and welfare of students.

Who gets hurt if one of these sociopaths gets our social security number, steals our identity, applies for credit cards and upgrades to digital cable in our name because we were foolish enough to leave our checkbook behind during break? All you have to do is watch “20/20” to figure out how easy it is for criminals to pull this scam.

Just because Johnny Jailtime hasn’t been caught, tried and convicted for a particular crime doesn’t mean he hasn’t done it. Ever heard of plea bargaining, F. Lee Bailey?

Some district attorney offers possession of an unregistered firearm to let a murder two beef slide so a skell testifies against his buddy in open court.

Next thing you know, the perv is sniffing around some undeclared sophomore’s panty drawer, smearing himself with peanut butter and committing unspeakable acts in her potpourri. I’ve seen it a hundred times. Watch “Law and Order,” it’s all there.

Maybe there are certain levels to which we should not descend.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily. He is spending a romantic week in Sioux Falls with one of his columnists who shall remain nameless.