In terms of numbers, consumerism surpasses Christianity as the largest religious order in the country. Christmas is the holiday when both religions celebrate the coming of their savior. For Christians, the savior is Jesus Christ; for consumers, it’s the latest gadget at Radio Shack.

Far be it from me to tell people how to practice their religions. I’m making an exception, however, and imploring you consumers to refrain from buying certain products this holiday season.

For the good of society, let’s all try to avoid the following items:

1. Cell phones. I hate to be a Luddite, but the cellular revolution must end. It was bad enough when cell phones were the exclusive toys of white-collar business criminals, but now every wanker in town has one.

I will concede from the get-go there are advantages to cell phones. They can be invaluable if stranded in your car, and they keep you from having to deal with the phone company. I’ll also concede that partly I’m just jealous because I don’t have one, and they’re pretty cool in a James Bond sort of way.

But I’ve weighed the pros and cons, and these little gadgets don’t justify their existence.

People still think a cell phone is a status symbol. Sorry to break it to you, Johnny Business Major, but you’re still a lowly, poor college student. All you’ve done is made yourself a poor college student with a worthless $200 accessory.

I also can’t stand how incredibly loud people talk while on a cell phone.

I’ve been told they can be hard to hear, but that’s no justification for having a high-volume conversation about your sex life in line at the bank. Go outside, or better yet, wait until you’re home to have this conversation.

And as if cell phones weren’t enough of a public nuisance, some jerk thought up a variety of cutesy little rings. So now, every phone seems to come with about 200 obnoxious pre-programmed rings, from the William Tell Overture to “Seek and Destroy” by Metallica.

When you’re picking a ring, don’t ask “What would I like to hear?” Ask “What would everyone else at the grocery store like to hear ?,” because we’re the ones putting up with the damn thing.

2. Pok‚mon. Not since Pearl Harbor have the Japanese so violated American culture. I don’t even understand how this thing started. Was it a cartoon? A toy? A video game? I woke up one day and was assaulted with everything from Pok‚mon key chains to Pok‚mon body lubricant.

No, Pok‚mon is not the first fad to flood the market with merchandise, but it is certainly the most evil. Everything Pok‚mon, whether it be toys, role-playing cards or even the video games, is about collecting. Collect all 12, 32, 608; it’s ridiculous. Pok‚mon is all about having. I’ve never once heard any Pok‚mon item advertised for the fun of playing with it; instead, it’s always “Can you collect all 300 of these little pieces of crap?”

Oh, and thank God for Burger King’s “Pok‚mon Trading Night,” so little Ritalin cases can gather and covet each other’s possessions. I’d rather eat an uncooked burger at Jack in the Box than go to Burger King on a Tuesday night.

“Do you have Jiggly Puff?”

“No, kid. All I’ve got is this BK Broiler and a massive headache, so ask me one more time and I’ll kick ya in the jiggly puffs, capiche?”

3. Any collection of recent “hits.” If it has Faith Hill, TLC and Sugar Ray on it, you can be sure it’s garbage.

Why does anyone need to own this CD? These songs are on the radio every 10 minutes. Want some of your favorite hits to jazz up your next party? Tough. Purchasing crap like this forces those with taste to wade through even more garbage to get to the good music. Believe me when I say purchasing “MTV Party to Go” undermines every musician of integrity in the world.

In the last few years, the majority of chart-topping songs have come from flash-in-the-pan, hack musicians. As this continues, record companies change their strategies for marketing new talent. It’s more profitable for them to dig around for a hundred Ricky Martins than to develop one Pearl Jam.

Buying that album actually makes it more difficult for artists with talent and integrity to earn a living.

Please, lean into the pitch and take one for the team on this. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Anyway, those are three items I hope die a quick death. If I could kill them on my own, I would. Instead, I need the help of all consumers to stop them before they take over the world. This all aside, I hope everyone has a pleasant holiday season.

---

Ben Godar is a senior in sociology from Ames.