Everybody has their own traditions when it comes to celebrating the holidays, and most of us are pretty opinionated about exactly how to do the annual festivities.

Trees: Wood or plastic?

When it comes to picking out the most sacred of Christmas symbols, you gotta go with the real tree. After all, what says Christmas like the smell of a freshly cut pine?

Not to mention the fact that a fake tree that looks even remotely like a real tree will cost you upwards of $300. Even then, you still have a plastic, pre-fab look to your holiday centerpiece. Cheaper trees look like wires with pipe cleaners for branches.

Picking out a real Christmas tree every year can be an enjoyable experience your whole family can share together. Every year there is a new tree, with it’s own quirks and imperfections. Not to mention that by buying a real tree you are supporting a local businessperson.

Of course, these things don’t matter to people like Greg Jerrett. He’d rather you pumped more money into Wal-Mart so a malnourished Indonesian girl can make 17 cents for assembling your Christmas tree. Excuse me for choosing family togetherness over the oppression of international workers.

No, Jerrett would rather have your family gather around a tree that smelled like a new raincoat, with as much warmth as a hospital waiting room.

What’s for dinner?

The Christmas meal is the time for the whole family to sit down together and enjoy some good home cookin’. Now some people, (like Greg Jerrett), will insist that you have a turkey for the big feast. Why? Didn’t you get enough bird less than a month ago at a little holiday called Thanksgiving?

Oh, I’m sure Jerrett will say that it doesn’t take any culinary skill to unwrap and cook up a Del Monte ham. News flash: I’m talking about a nice, thick bone-in ham. Only a piece of hill-fried white trash like Jerrett would think that real ham came sealed in a can with a pop-top.

No, cooking a ham is no great feat, but it don’t take no rocket scientist to cook a turkey neither. All you have to do is remember to start defrosting the thing around Halloween so you won’t get tapeworm. Of course for Jerrett, getting tapeworm is as much a part of his daily life as defecating in the woods.

Decorations: Simple or festive?

Maybe Ebenezer Jerrett doesn’t think you should decorate your house with lights, but he’s probably also a communist. A little exterior illumination can lift the spirits of your entire neighborhood.

Granted, Jerrett knows little about neighborhood spirit. From his tin-roofed shanty, he can barely see the subterranean hut of his nearest neighbor, another whacko right-wing separatist.

There’s nothing like taking a drive around town to check out the seasonal decorations, so why shouldn’t you join in the fun? It’s not about competition, either. It doesn’t matter who has the biggest display as long everyone enjoys themselves. Yes, there are some things we can all enjoy without it becoming a competition, Greg.

But I suppose you’d rather spend your Christmas Eve crouched in the bushes outside some local tavern, with a half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort, rating the “holiday honeys” as they stumble home. Yeah, I know about you. Oh, the things I know …

What’s on the tube?

Don’t even start with me, Jerrett. No holiday special can hold a candle to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The story of a group of misfits who can’t seem to fit in anywhere is something that any kid can relate to.

Two words, Jerrett: Burl Ives. His presence brings more class and integrity to Rudolph than any lame walk-through by Fred Astaire. Ives reputation not only as a Tony award-winning actor but also as an American folk icon makes his appearance in “Rudolph” a real treasure.

Of course, Jerrett’s idea of an American folk icon is Richard Greico. Give it up man! “21 Jump Street” is gone, and it’s never coming back. All that your “21 Jump Street” video collection will ever get you is about $7 on eBay. Maybe.

You know who else I bet Jerrett likes? Sheryl Crow. I can just see him dancing around his room singing “Every day is a winding road …” It makes me sick.

Santa or Jesus?

You want a piece, Jerrett? I’m right across the news room. You can come over here and get it any time you want. I got a boot in the ass waiting with your name on it. Any time you want to bring it, I’m more than ready, bitch.

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Ben Godar is a senior in sociology from Ames. That’s right, I said bring it, fool!