Daily Staff Writer

“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”

South Park

“Bowfly Does XXX-Mas”

Bowfly

What better way to spread holiday cheer than to release two of the most offensive Christmas albums of all time.

Some mothers out there complain about Run DMC rapping on “A Very Special Christman,” but if they only heard these two, they’d be hysterical.

“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” is a compilation of some quintessential songs done by South Park characters with their own little twists, and others made up just for this record.

A version of “O Holy Night,” sung by Eric Cartman, ranks right up there with other variations done by Tevin Campbell and ‘N Sync. And it’s about as funny as his other solo track on this album, “Swiss Colony Beef Log.”

To share the cheerfulness of the season, “Merry Fucking Christmas” from Mr. Garrison and “Dead, Dead, Dead” performed by the South Park Children’s Choir, are fine complements to Satan’s “Christmas Time In Hell.” The latter reveals that many of the famous people who have died over the last few years are currently residing in hell, including Michael Landon and Princess Di.

Taking their place as Christmas classics are “I Saw Three Ships” by Shelly Marsh (who sports an overly-thick retainer) and “Carol Of The Bells,” performed by Mr. Mackey and complete with the lyrics “ding dong M-kay.”

And of course there are the songs about Jews, dreidels and Hanukkah.

But if you really want to get offended, “Bowfly Does XXX-Mas” almost makes Mr. Hankey’s album look like a Celine Dion record. Almost.

Sure there is a piece of poop sitting in a chair on the cover of Mr. Hankey’s CD, but you don’t even want to know what’s on the front of Bowfly’s album.

“Bowfly Does XXX-Mas” is stockpiled with classic Christmas songs, done XXX style.

Think of something gross that rhymes with rock, and insert it in the title, “Jingle Bell Rock,” and that will give some idea of what this entire piece of work is like. Or take the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” and change the word kissing to something a bit more sexually-explicit.

Seemingly recorded at a live show, Bowfly’s songs are all sex-related, tasteless and offensive to women. The first song will make you laugh a little, but this type of “Eddie Murphy Raw” humor gets old fast, making you wish Mr. Hankey was back in the CD player.

At least you can laugh at Mr. Hankey and not feel like you’re being exposed to major pornography.

When the press release says “Ho, Ho, Ho Motherfuckers” in big red letters, it must be bad.

“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” 3 1/2 STARS

“Bowfly Does XXX-Mas” 1 STAR

— Kyle Moss

“Friends Again”

Various Artists

The end is near when popular sitcoms try to squeeze out that weak second soundtrack to cash in on the show’s popularity before the network kicks everybody off the set.

Lord knows there have been weaker soundtracks made than this one, but not too many more.

There was some rhyme and reason to the first “Friends” soundtrack. The show was in its heyday, and each track had some significance to regular viewers. It managed to capture a brief moment in television history at its peak.

Everyone was talking about the show around the water cooler on Fridays, so a well-crafted soundtrack was reasonable to release and welcome.

But “Friends Again?” Even the title blows chunks.

The only thing a reasonable person could think to do with Robbie Williams, Lisa Loeb, Semisonic and Smash Mouth all collected in the same place is lob a grenade.

Unfortunately, our best option is to ignore this one and hope that one day far in the future we can all look back wistfully and say “Oh, I remember when that show wasn’t just a joke whose only archaeological remnant was a 99 cent sticker in the bargain bin at Musicland.”

A couple of the tracks on the collection don’t reek of the last-minute addition, however, and though they are still not worthy of mention, something has to be.

The best track by far is by Deckard. “What Reason” has angstful guitar work and pop/rock sense of desperation in the lyrics that makes it not only somewhat bearable, but mildly enjoyable.

But don’t get too comfy.

Just as the powerful chorus climaxes, we are plunged right back into tried and true formulas that have been working their magic on that portion of the American brain that controls sexual urges, regulates breathing and determines when it is safe to urinate in public.

Then it’s right back into the kind of sound bytes that are expected on a first album but get old by the second. Sound bytes should be short and pithy but these bytes go on and on and on. They encompass entire scenes. The coolness is lost after the first minute passes.

Run, don’t walk, away from this foul piece of pop culture triteness. You’ll be glad you did.

1 STAR

— Greg Jerrett

“Early Days — The Best of Led Zeppelin Volume 1”

Led Zeppelin

“Turn It On Again — The Hits”

Genesis

Thirty years ago, rock ‘n’ roll was at an all-time high.

Woodstock was writing itself into pop culture history, Mick Jagger was singing “Gimmie Shelter” and The Beatles were basking in the glory of two of their best records yet, “Yellow Submarine” and “Abbey Road.”

Somewhere amid an electric guitar “Star Spangled Banner” and the “Octopus’s Garden,” two of the key fixtures in the next generation of rock released their debuts.

With a clear focus on crafting and composing exceptional songs, they found away to ignore the fan frenzies and media blitz of their predecessors and build their careers solely around the music.

Led Zeppelin got a jump up the stairway to rock heaven with a self-titled album that spawned hits “Good Times Bad Times” and “Dazed and Confused,” solidifying the quartet of Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham as token rockers.

The band went on to sell over 80 million records worldwide, second only to The Beatles.

Genesis took a different path — spending the ’70s wading in a pool of self-discovery and peaking in the ’80s with landmarks albums like “ABACAB” and “Invisible Touch.”

Both bands wrote countless songs that have since lasted the test of time, which makes their recent one-disc greatest hits records a true music fan’s wet dream.

“Early Days” features Zeppelin classics culled from its first four albums by Page himself, though it doesn’t take a guitar genius to pick out songs like “Whole Lotta Love,” “Black Dog,” “The Battle of Evermore” and “Stairway To Heaven.”

A “Latter Days” record will follow early next year, but this much-easier-to-listen-to-than-a-boxed-set collection seems the obvious choice for the essential Zeppelin album to own.

“Misty Mountain Hop” would have been a nice touch, but six tunes from its legendary “fourth album” could be a bit much.

The Genesis collection doesn’t follow in chronological order like “Early Days,” so the record comes off like a scrambled puzzle.

Luckily, the tunage here is unbelievably ear-friendly.

There’s something about hearing “Mama” sandwiched between “Invisible Touch” and “Land Of Confusion” that gives it an eerie pop twist.

“That’s All,” a piano-driven pop number, and “Hold On My Heart,” a gorgeous porcelain ballad, make you wonder why Genesis was never a Beatles-like phenomenon.

The big label-boasting track on “Turn It On Again” is a remake of “The Carpet Crawlers,” featuring a reunion of the early-’70’s line-up of Tony Banks, Phil Collins, Peter Gabriel, Steve Hackett and Mike Rutherford.

The song is carried by Gabriel, a rarity on this disc, but is a lackluster ending to the record.

They may never get to respect of The Beatles, The Stones or Hendrix, but Led Zeppelin and Genesis are just as essential to the growth of rock.

“Early Days” 4 STARS

“Turn It On Again” 4 1/2 STARS

— Corey Moss

“The Sopranos”

Various Artists

HBO has broken ground in original programming over the years, specifically with its recently lauded offering of the “Godfather” -esque series “The Sopranos.” The show has already made its mark with critics, and the new soundtrack is likely to do the same.

“The Sopranos” soundtrack shies away from the old stereotype. It isn’t packed wall-to-wall with lounge performers and rat packers. Of course, there is a nod to Old Blue Eyes, but the producers are only human and can be forgiven this one lapse into the typical gangster experience.

In many ways, this soundtrack makes one mindful of Quentin Tarantino’s take on gangster soundtracks by tipping its hat largely in favor of classic rock, R&B and folk music.

Bob Dylan’s “Gotta Serve Somebody” takes on a sinister new meaning as does Bruce Springsteen’s “State Trooper.” R.L. Burnside’s “It’s Bad You Know” is the sweetest track on the album combining the grungy blues harp with a steady thumping rock beat and simple dark lyrics that make a listener want to groove.

Bo Didley’s “I’m a Man” goes good with anything and is a welcome addition to this collection. It conjures up images of smoky back rooms and illicit underworld dealings by really macho guys with guns.

A3’s “Woke Up This Morning,” Cream’s “I Feel Free,” Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul’s “Inside of Me” and Eurythmics’ “I’ve Tried Everything” round out the album nicely.

The variety of artists on this soundtrack gives it depth. This is not the usual single-minded soundtrack that sings the same note 14 different ways.

“Sopranos” may not be number with a bullet, but this eclectic mix of tracks, styles and artists is a very respectable collection of various artists. It isn’t all number one hits you’ve heard a thousand times before, and that’s a plus.

One drawback is there are no sound bites to add flare and meaning to the selections and give them purpose on the album, but not every soundtrack has to use those to be good listen.

3 STARS

— Greg Jerrett

Ratings based on a 5 STAR scale.