Projects, finals and Digital Cable have left me with little time to write this week’s column, so I’ve asked my good friend, Mr. Millennium, to fill in for me this week and answer any questions you may have about the year 2000. Even though I’m not here, I still expect that you will treat him with the same respect you give me. So feel free to continue using this column in your hamster cage. And now, here’s Mr. Millennium:

Thanks Pete, it’s a pleasure to be here. If anyone has any questions, I’d be happy to answer them.

How do you plan to ring in the new millennium?

To mark this special occasion I plan to become the world’s first member of the Millennium Club by drinking 1000 shots of beer in 1000 minutes (16 hours 40 minutes). Then I plan to spend the rest of the year with my head in a toilet.

Will anything exciting happen at midnight on New Year’s Day?

On ABC’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve special, Dick Clark will reveal himself to be the 2,000-year-old leader of super intelligent space aliens who have come to take over our planet. Pepsi will quickly become the official soft drink of the alien invasion, and you can expect to see a series of collector cans in stores as early as March.

Will the aliens force us into salt mines and turn our women into their sex slaves?

No, these are friendly space aliens who will initiate world peace, eliminate hunger and, best of all, rid the world of the Backstreet Boys and Pok‚mon Trading Cards.

Last decade was known as the “Eighties,” this decade is the “Nineties,” what will next decade be called, the “Zeroes?”

No, calling a decade the “Zeroes” would be stupid. Therefore, the next decade has been officially renamed the “Larrys.”

Will the Y2K virus cause any major problems?

Yes, many horrible things will happen. Planes will fall from the sky; machines will get minds of their own and attack their masters; and Suddenly Susan will be renewed by NBC for another season.

I’m afraid my checkbook isn’t Y2K compliant. There is already a “19__” printed at the end of the date line. What should I do?

You’re lucky you noticed this when you did, but you need to act quickly. First, you need to quarantine your remaining checks and burn them in the middle of a desert to prevent the Y2K virus from spreading. Next, you need to withdraw all money left in that account, wash it gently with soap and water and place it under a Y2K compliant mattress (be sure the tags have not been removed) for safe keeping.

I’m the leader of a local millennium cult, and we are looking for a cheap and efficient way to kill ourselves. Any suggestions?

Mass suicide is an excellent way to make this New Year’s one that you’ll never forget. But because of its surge in popularity this New Year’s, traditional suicide tools (poison, nooses, etc.) have become very expensive. My recommendation for you is to buy a large water cooler and fill it in Lake LaVerne. Serve up glasses of that and I’m sure you and your fellow nut-cases will be more than pleased with the results.

I watched the Jetsons a lot when I was a kid. When can I expect to own my first flying car?

The first flying cars should hit the market in the year 2016 and will completely revolutionize the world. You, however, will never own one. You will die in the year 2015.

If you could have dinner with any three people from the past 2000 years, who would they be?

Adolf Hitler, so I could punch him in the nose, my old friend Drew Johnson, so I could get back the $25 he owes me, and Kate Moss, because she doesn’t eat much, and I could eat the rest of her dinner.

Should I buy my boyfriend a pair of “Year 2000” boxers for Christmas?

Not if he’s Jewish. Also remember that “Year 2000” boxers may seem cool now, but if he wears them after this year, they’ll just make him look like a dumbass. (Get it? HA!)

My friend says that the next millennium doesn’t begin until the year 2001. Is my friend right?

No, your friend is an idiot. You just remind your commie “friend” that this is the United States of America, and in this country, we’ll start a new millennium whenever the hell we want. If we say the new millennium starts in the year 2000, then damn it, the new millennium is going to start in the year 2000.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a fun and safe New Year’s Eve.

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Peter Borchers is a junior in advertising from Bloomington, Minn.