Last semester, I dedicated my spring break to researching the more tropical regions of the country, so that I could write about them and make my readers better citizens.

This, of course, required extensive field research, and I was forced to spend my entire spring break in Florida.

Through my studies of the region, I came to the scientific conclusion that there is an overabundance of Waffle Houses in that part of the country.

I reported these findings in my column last March, yet ever since then, I’ve had a gut feeling that my research was incomplete. I still had questions that needed answers, such as: Are there Waffle Houses in the Bahamas? Do they know what waffles are in the Bahamas? Where the heck are the Bahamas anyway?

Answering these questions would again require extensive field research. Yet despite the importance of this study, the Daily has not yet offered to fund this project. I feared these questions might forever go unanswered — until last week.

Last week, I received a postcard from the Prize Redemption Center. Apparently, I was the winner of some fabulous prize, but the postcard was not specific as to what I was getting and why. I thought perhaps it was Bill Gates sending me the $1,000 dollars he promised me for helping him test out a new e-mail tracking system by forwarding a stupid e-mail to all my friends.

Eager to find out more, I called the toll-free 800 number to claim my prize. Sure enough, the lady on the phone guaranteed me that I was the winner of a spectacular prize, possibly even a cruise to the Bahamas.

Naturally, I was excited. This was perhaps the only chance I had of completing my Waffle House research.

But the real thrill for me was that this was the first time I had been offered a totally free gift from a stranger since the scary man at the school playground offered me free candy and a ride in his windowless van when I was 7 years old. This time, I wasn’t going to “just say no.”

It turns out, however, that to claim my prize, I had to endure a 20 minute information/brainwashing session by a company called Network Direct, Inc.

Despite my busy schedule (I had to miss both “Family Feud” AND “Match Game PM” on the Game Show Network), I decided it was worth attending if it meant possibly winning a free trip to the Bahamas.

I know many of you have also received a prize redemption postcard from Network Direct, but like fools, you threw it out. Perhaps you were unaware that you were throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, not to mention that incredible free gift.

Before I tell you about it, I want to apologize in advance for the bruised butt you are about to have when you finish kicking yourself for not taking advantage of this incredible, life-improving offer.

The basic idea behind Network Direct is that you give them $1,275.

This buys you the privilege to give them even more money when you purchase things through Network Direct.

Then, all you need to do is spend a mere $7,000 dollars, and you’ll save money.

What a deal!

After hearing about this, I was quite eager to throw my money at these people, but unfortunately, I left the refrigerator running back home and had to go catch it.

I did, however, stay long enough to receive my free prize. As you might have expected, most of the “fabulous prizes” were cruddy, little hotel discount cards. But one person in the room was the winner of a free trip for two to the Bahamas. That person was — surprise — ME!

You didn’t see that one coming, did ya?

When I was told that I had won the trip, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Truly, this was a great day, not only for me, but for the entire university that would benefit from my research of the area. My elation soon turned to shock, however, as I read over my trip information.

Sure enough, Network Direct covered a round-trip cruise and hotel accommodations, but I was responsible for paying “port fees, NAFTA taxes, reservation and manifest processing fees and hotel taxes and service charges,” totalling $287.

I also had to fly myself and a guest down to Florida. Meals on the boat were provided, however, so I guess there is such a thing as a free lunch.

In essence, this “free” two night cruise would only cost me a little under two months salary.

Again, I say, “What a deal!”

So, it looks like I’ll never complete my study of the Bahamas. If one of you would like to take over this project, I will gladly sell my “free” trip to the highest bidder.

So far, the garbage can is in the lead with a bid of $0.

Peter Borchers is a junior in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. His tip o’ the day is: Never tell your girlfriend you won a trip to the Bahamas if you aren’t planning on taking her.