October 15, 1999

So there I was, studying a length of rope stretched between two balls on our lawn, getting worried about what I saw, when Eddie yelled “Yep, that’s it. We went muledeer. That’s game.”

I was devastated.

Another game of bocce had looked promising, only to end up in the hands of our enemies.

And the day was just starting.

The boys and I have been playing a lot of bocce (rhymes with Chachi) lately and we thought it only fitting to kick off Walt’s bachelor party with a game or two, or nine.

Bocce is a simple enough game. In fact, it looks downright silly.

All you have to do is toss your big ol’ heavy balls and try to hit a little ball that’s lying somewhere in the lawn. It’s just that easy.

Bocce is Italian lawn bowling, as far as we know. We’ve been told by friends of ours — the so-called experts — that it’s supposed to be played by old folks on a flat surface without any obstacles.

That just doesn’t cut it in the Story Street Bocce League.

On the official SSBL tournament course — our side lawn — there are two trees and varying degrees of elevation. You could call it Extreme Bocce, if you’re the type that has to put a label on things. We just call it a great way to spend six or seven hours every weekend.

It all began when Eddie and I were wandering around Target one day and we saw a set of bocce balls on sale for $40. The sets normally cost $80, so we figured we couldn’t go wrong.

Somehow we found a way.

It seems the cheap set has one flaw: It doesn’t come with directions as to how to play.

Not ones to be easily frustrated, we made up our own rules and terms and founded the SSBL. I think I’m the commissioner. After all, it makes perfect sense. It was my 40 bucks.

So the day begins by choosing up sides. There are eight balls: four red and four blue, with two of each color having either circles or stripes. This way, two, four, six or eight people can play. You just have to keep track of whether you’re red circles, blue stripes or whatever.

I’m always blue stripes. I just wish I had a good reason.

Eddie’s always red circles in honor of his nearly playoff-bound Cincinnati Reds. Carl’s always blue circles just so he doesn’t have to be with Eddie and hear about those damn Reds. And Trudie, Pablo’s on-and-off girlfriend, is the only girl in the SSBL so she gets to be whatever she wants.

Play begins when one person throws the jack somewhere in the yard. The jack, and that’s the official name, is the ping-pong-sized white ball that becomes the target for the heavier red and blue balls. The only problem is that the jack drowns in our lawn because Sherm never remembers to mow. But we came up with a solution.

Croquet was supposed to be last summer’s game. It didn’t catch on. So we use one of the croquet posts to mark where the jack is hiding in the grassy forest. Problem solved.

Then, whichever team didn’t score on the previous round tosses the first ball out and tries to get it as close to the jack as possible. There are two different approaches to the toss.

Walt likes the lob, or airmail, because it doesn’t roll once it lands. Everyone else prefers the roll because you can play the breaks and judge the distance a little better. Or you can just get lucky, but no one ever admits it.

The problem with the roll is that if you put a little too much juice on it, you’ll go past the lawn, into the driveway and down our street. This mishap is called “going Gilbert” because there’s no way that little bugger is stopping anytime soon.

Play continues as each team alternates throws until all the balls have been tossed. Then you check the score. Whoever has the closest ball gets a point. If they’ve got more that are closer than the other team, then they get points for each of those as well.

If, by some act of the bocce gods, you get all four closer than their best throw, you’ve just gone “muledeer.” We made that term up.

We also made up names for hitting someone else’s ball as well as the trees in our lawn. The ball-to-ball hit is called a “donkeyball,” while striking the tree is referred to as “catching wood.” It just seemed to make sense.

We’re all getting a little depressed that bocce season is winding down, so we plan on getting a few games in tomorrow before Walt’s wedding. If need be, we’ll play at the reception afterward, simply because we can’t help but smile when we think of going muledeer in a rental tux covered with free beer.

Life just doesn’t get any better than that.