I like Ames. I like Ames because it’s easy to spell, the movies are cheap and it only smells when the wind blows from the south.

But most importantly, I like Ames because it is a decent and honest town. I was reaffirmed of this fact just a couple of weeks ago, thanks to the impending Y2K disaster.

Most other cities around the country are making outrageous and false claims to their residents about being prepared for the impending doom that the new Y2K bug will bring. But not Ames. Ames knows the millennium bug is more than the Orkin Man can handle and is bravely letting us know that when the clock strikes midnight on Jan.1, 2000, we’re all screwed.

Yes, Ames and Iowa State officials are so confident that the city’s power will go out that they have formed a contingency plan to make sure its residents are safe when it happens. For those of you who didn’t read the Daily two weeks ago (you should be ashamed of yourselves), that plan involves letting Ames residents stay at the Hilton until power is restored.

I must say, I am proud to live in a city that cares so much about its people. Not only does it care, but this great city is willing to go the extra mile and house its residents in five-star Hilton Hotels until things get straightened out back home. I urge everybody reading this to send that card or fruit basket to city hall to show his or her appreciation for Ames’ extreme generosity.

Wait a minute. Well, I have to apologize for that last paragraph. Apparently, this columnist may have been a bit hasty with his remarks, for I was just informed that the plan is to house people in Hilton Coliseum, not Hilton Hotels, in case the power goes out on Jan.1, 2000. I guess this serves as a good lesson that when reading the newspaper, sometimes reading the actual articles is just as important as reading the headlines.

Unfortunately, this news means we won’t get to spend next semester relaxing in hot tubs and eating $40 steaks from room service. Nonetheless, we should take this seriously because living in Hilton Coliseum may be a very real possibility for some of us.

Even if the power doesn’t go out, my roommates and I will probably need some place to stay at the start of the new year. I’m surprised our house survived the Y1K bug so I’m guessing that when Y2K arrives, the earth is going to open up and swallow our house and all of our belongings.

Not that we’d be too upset; Rad Brad the Fix-it Guy still hasn’t finished our bathrooms yet, and judging by the fact he hasn’t mowed our lawn in three months, I’m guessing he probably won’t rake our leaves either.

Judging by the size of our trees, these leaves could pile up high enough to prevent us from even getting to the front door, thus rendering us homeless by the end of November. (Unless, of course, we are already inside our house, in which case we will be swallowed up by the earth along with our house.)

So, let’s imagine what it will be like living with 15,000 other people in a basketball arena at the start of next year.

There are a few things we know for certain. First of all, the plush and comfortable seats in the parquet and arena circle levels will be reserved for high-paying donors, rich alumni and other well-dressed individuals, most of whom won’t show up anyway.

ISU students, of course, will be forced to squeeze two or three people into each seat and struggle for oxygen up in the balcony. Don’t get too upset, however, because the university will show how much it care about its students by letting a handful of us sit in the lower level everyday on a rotational basis.

When you enter the coliseum, make sure you have everything you’ll need until spring because if you leave the arena, there is absolutely no readmission, as is standard Hilton Coliseum procedure.

It is especially important that you bring your wallet because arena policy also forbids people from bringing in personal food and beverages. This means that during our stay at Hilton, we may be forced to survive on $2.50 slices of Domino’s pizza, $2.50 20 oz. bottles of pop and colorful ‘Clone cones.

So there may be a few drawbacks to living at Hilton, not to mention 15,000 people sharing the locker room showers. But it could also be kind of fun, too, if they provide us with some entertainment.

A full stadium is always an excellent place for corporate sponsorship. I’m sure Benson Motors would sponsor a daily “Shoot 5-for-5” contest to help rouse the crowd. We’ll just have to hope that contest isn’t rigged so the shooter is always an 84-year-old woman with bad cataracts, as it is for basketball games.

And wouldn’t we be lucky if we got to see a daily game of mascot basketball? Watching Mr. Peanut flagrantly foul the Subway guy is always an entertaining sight.

If all else fails, we can always watch Jeopardy! on the zillion dollar video board (even if it doesn’t tell the time). So don’t forget to pencil in Hilton Coliseum in you calendar. I’ll see you there in the next millennium!

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Peter Borchers is a junior in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. He dreams of being the Jolly Green Giant in a game of mascot basketball.