From time to time I notice something that is slowly taking control of the world. I’m not talking about something like international communism; I’m talking about a little thing. Like jalapeno poppers.

Even just a couple of years ago, I had never seen a jalapeno popper in my life. Now there is not a restaurant in America that doesn’t feature the tasty appetizer.

Whether you’re at Sal’s Sports Bar or Lo Wang’s International House of Pork Fritters, for around $7 you can snag yourself a fried jalapeno complete with tasty cream cheese.

Another item that has mysteriously and silently taken the world by storm is those little collapsible lawn chairs that fold into a tube shape. You know what I’m talking about?

I thought clunky metal folding lawn chairs were still the rage, but low and behold, last year I went to a girls’ high school tennis meet, and everyone had long since moved in the direction of the foldy tube type chairs.

Okay, I was really just peeking from the bushes at a girls’ high school tennis meet, but you get my point. Those damn chairs, like jalapeno poppers, are everywhere.

It doesn’t bother me that they’re taking over the world. Someone has to, and Cobra has long since been dispatched by the “Joe’s.” I for one say better jalapeno poppers and tube folding chairs in control than multinational corporations.

But not everything attempting to control the world is as harmless as a tasty appetizer. Probably the biggest current threat to peace, justice and the American way is the online auction.

e-Bay, Amazon and countless other Internet sites offer online auctions, where you can buy everything from … well you can buy anything.

Some people shop responsibly. These auctions are a great resource for memorabilia collectors. Baseball cards, stamps, porn — it’s all there.

The convenience of it all can also be it’s curse. We’ve all heard horror stories about people who have bought things they don’t really want or need.

I remember the day my autographed copy of Phil Collins’ “No Jacket Required” album arrived, I whether or not I really needed it.

But no e-Bay horror story I have ever heard holds a candle to the poor judgment of one of my uncles.

My uncle, who shall remain nameless, has what those in psychological circles call an e-Bay fetish. When he would come over for events like Thanksgiving, he would ask to get on our computer so he could make damn sure he won his auction.

Well, one Christmas he showed up and proudly announced that he had recently purchased himself a side of beef. Concerned, we questioned how safe it would be to purchase meat over the Internet.

My uncle retorted that the information clearly stated that the meat had been USDA stamped.

Now, I’m sure this meat had been USDA stamped. But I still don’t think I’d eat a steak that had been shipped to me ninth class along with my Columbia House Selection of the Month.

But back to my point: Online auctions are taking over the world. e-Bay is just the tip of the iceberg. After all, a little rancid beef never hurt anyone (except perhaps my late cousin).

The most ludicrous online auction I’ve ever heard of is this new site: eCollegebid.org.

At this site, you can bid for a college with your tuition money. You fill in information like how much you want to spend and what region of the country you’re looking in, and BLAMO, they hook you up.

Of course, you’re under no obligation to actually attend that college, but I still feel it’s setting a dangerous precedent. You know there’s some guy that didn’t fill in the right box who’s going to find himself in the damn Navy.

If people start bidding for colleges, what’s next, women? One can only hope.

Just fill in a few simple questions about what you’re looking for in a mate and click the submit box. Then, assuming nobody makes a better offer for the same young Russian hardbody, in four to six weeks you can make a love connection.

All I’m saying is through online auctions people will eventually not have to actually meet anyone or go anywhere. If the course remains unchanged these auctions will rule the world.

Sometimes political movements and rampant social disorder don’t change the world as much as a few new quirks in our day-to-day routines.

So, prepare ye for the coming revolution. Grab yourself some jalapeno poppers, sit in your little tube chair, and bid away.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from Ames. He would have come up with a better column, but he was too busy bidding on an original X-Wing fighter still in the box.