There has been a lot of talk recently about the refurbished Maple Hall and what the future holds for the rest of Iowa State’s residence halls. Personally, I don’t care what the future holds for ISU’s res halls.

Yes, like many upperclassmen, I have served my time in the dorms and have opted to rent a house this semester.

Suddenly, I have been thrust into a position of quasi-responsibility and every decision I make is entirely my own, be it a poor decision (pouring excess bacon grease into a pop can over the gas burner) or a good decision (buying a fire extinguisher).

But the best decision I have made since renting my house, and perhaps the most excellent, life-improving decision I have ever made, was my decision to sign up for digital cable.

I must stress here that I am not being paid in any way to promote digital cable.

That would be highly unethical. (If, however, the good folks at TCI really feel the need to show me their appreciation later, it would almost be unethical not to accept a token of good will, wouldn’t it?)

Digital is one of the latest in a long line of home entertainment innovations. The invention of the television in the 1950s finally brought entertainment to people’s otherwise miserable lives. People finally had a reason for living. Life expectancies have been on the rise ever since.

Soon came color television and eventually the remote control, which has reduced physical stress and increased thumb dexterity for millions of people around the world.

When used in conjunction with other great inventions, such as the VCR and Doritos, life is very pleasant.

But with the introduction of digital cable, television and perhaps the human race, this may be as close as we will every get to achieving perfection.

Sure, digital cable offers an incredibly wide variety of channels; channels that will enhance your life such as The Game Show Network and ESPN Classic. But that is only part of the magic of digital cable.

For the first time in history, searching for worthwhile programming has become almost as entertaining as the mind-numbing programs themselves.

With digital cable, I no longer need to read TV Guide or even flip through every channel to see what is on the tube.

Now I have the convenience of pop-up displays and on-screen menus that sort programs by time or category to help me make an informed viewing decision.

And if the name of a show isn’t enough information for me, I can just hit a button and my TV will tell me exactly which episode of “Mama’s Family” is on and who the guest stars are.

But the fun doesn’t stop there. Once I’ve found what I want to watch at the present time, I can continue to search for entertainment that is hours, even days in advance.

Should I find something I want to watch in four hours, all I need to do is let my TV know and it will give me a pleasant reminder to change the channel when the show is about to come on.

When I split the cost of this little digital miracle with my roommates, it’s almost like getting a new best friend for under $10 a month.

In fact, I would drop out of school and dedicate my life full time to the watching of television in the utopia provided by digital cable if it included two additional features: Comedy Central and the ability to give the plague to anyone who interrupts my regularly scheduled programming.

Fox has really taken a leadership role in this form of aggravation.

At the end of every show they cut off the last two minutes so they can have some annoying girl named Melissa tell us a bunch of crap nobody cares about and then remind us that “The Simpsons” is on next, which I already know because my digital cable reminded me.

Over the past two years, I have developed a deep-seeded hatred for this woman and if I happen to see her in person some day, I cannot be responsible for my actions.

Local weathermen are also starting to bother me in this respect.

For the most part, weathermen used to be a bunch of fun-loving, informative people who would do their thing during the local news and then disappear for the next 24 hours. This was as it should be.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line these guys decided they were the reason we all watched television and will, without warning, pop up in the middle of my shows with severe weather updates.

I would not mind this if there was a tornado in my backyard or if a hurricane was about to hit Ames.

But weathermen think everything is severe weather and will treat clouds or gentle breezes as if the apocalypse is upon us.

Even when they’re done talking, for the rest of the show they will cover up 3/4 of the screen with a map of Iowa indicating a wind advisory in two counties I didn’t know existed.

Whoa! Gotta go. My TV just reminded me that “Family Feud” is on. God bless America.

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Peter Borchers is a junior in advertising from Bloomington, Minn.