MTV flexed its musical muscle this year and crunched out pretty much every song or artist that has made a difference since last fall.

There were no “Titanics” or dance floor crazes stuffing songs down our throat this time around. Just MTV, whoring their faves everywhere they could.

Try naming an MTV show you didn’t see Kid Rock or ‘N Sync on.

I watched Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst on “Loveline” the other night, thinking how I would rather take a cookie and shove it anywhere than take relationship advice from a guy who wrote an entire record about how women screwed him over.

So, if MTV is truly the pop culture pimp, than what does that make the “MTV Video Music Awards?” Just another chance to see Brittany Spears’ stomach?

Whatever the case, we wait in anticipation for the show every fall. We giggle just enough during the Chris Rock promos that we forget just how lame the show is.

We watch the “VMAs” (as they were so hipply dubbed this year). We bitch about Madonna winning every year. And we vow to destroy the Backstreet Boys before they destroy us.

And then I present my annual Moss Pit MTV Awards Awards, and we go back to watching “Fanatic” reruns, hoping to see Brittany’s stomach again.

Best dressed performer: Lil’ Kim. She took showing cleavage to the next level, and it was far from Lil’.

Worst dressed performer: The Backstreeters looked pretty stupid in their Laser Tag outfits, but I gotta go with Tommy Lee.

Next to Lil’ Kim, Tommy looked like quite the tease in his rain coat. Come on, it’s MTV, you can get away with anything. Ask Andrew Dice Clay.

Best performance: Oh, geez, this is tough. Could it be Kid Rock and his amazing salute to the invention of rock-rap, which featured Run DMC and Aerosmith? Or was it one of the lip-synching teen bands?

Worst performance: Ricky, get a clue. Did you not see everyone nod their heads when Chris Rock said you need to get a new song? Luckily, Rock rescued the flailing show with his “I need to write some Spanish jokes” line.

Biggest bunch of crap: Eminem winning “Best New Artist” over Kid Rock. Who cares that Kid Rock has been releasing records since the early ’90s, the Grammys gave a new artist award to Paula Cole years after her first release.

I can see how it was close. Both white boys have the same “My name is” gimmick. Both are from Detroit. Both appeared on “Loveline.”

But Kid Rock has a midget sidekick. You can’t mess with that.

Biggest bunch of crap runner-up: No love for aggressive rock. Where were the performances by Korn or Bizkit or Chili Peppers? Nine Inch Nails is a good catch, but make the man scream. Ballads are for boy bands.

Most disrespected act: Jennifer Lopez. “She took two limos, one for her and one for her ass,” Rock said in his intro. Even for Rock, that’s pretty cruel. Probably the funniest part of the show, but cruel.

Best one-liner: Rock introduced the legendary David Bowie by saying “He has a black wife.” Bowie responded with a hilariously subtle, “Yo,” complete with a fist pump.

The Fartman award: Named after Howard Stern, this award goes to the artist who made the biggest fool out of himself or herself. Fred Durst’s comment about Heather Locklear, “Let’s hear it for these breasts,” looked pretty bad when Beastie Boy Adam Horowitz spent his entire acceptance speech later in the show, addressing the rapes at Woodstock, which were reportedly during Bizkit’s set.

Most beautiful moment: Who could have more of an impact than legends like The Artist, Bowie and Paul McCartney? Moms.

Tupac and Biggie’s moms are obviously not public speakers, but that made their address about violence in rap even more powerful.

Will Smith gave a similar slap in the face to his rapping foes, with his cocky but true statement: “I never killed anybody on a record, and I don’t curse on my records. And I’m up here every year.”

And he never did “Loveline.”

---

Corey Moss is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.