Cahokia Mounds, IL

Have you ever wanted to visit a giant mound of dirt that once had a population larger than the city of London, then look with confusion at the dark magic which is the Saint Louis Arc? Me too, check it out.

First Lincoln Memorial, KY

They say Lincoln was born here, but wasn’t he born in Illinois? That’s right, but I’m not going to believe it unless you show me his birth certificate. For all we know, our nation’s 16th president could be a silly Canadian.

The Cleveland Art Museum, OH

Hold on, is this list just a bunch of educational history stuff deceptively marketed as summer destinations? Yes, but this one is actually the coolest place in Cleveland

Blythe Intaglios, CA

Sure you can go to a boring California beach, but these things are giant pictures drawn on the ground 2000 years ago, which are like the size of a football field. I know you’re thinking “If they’re that big, how can you see them from the ground?” I would suggest either an airplane or a very large ladder.

The Teutoburg Forest, Germany

Witness the place where the 17th, 18th and 19th Roman Legions were massacred. Oh, you thought just because it was in Germany, it would be something about WW2? No!!! I HATE those people who say, “I like history,” but then they only ever want to talk about WW2. Screw those people.

Göbekli Tepe, Turkey

This one is massive for being from like 9000 BC. To put that in perspective, Jesus was born a long time ago, and this is over 10 Jesuses away from right now.

Panathenaic Stadium, Greece

Sure, Greece is an ankle weight on the European economy, but that shouldn’t stop you from stripping naked, covering yourself with olive oil and wrestling a fully grown man (likely a security guard) just like the ancient Athenians.

Chin Shi Huang’s Mausoleum

This is probably the only place in the world where you can see a literal river of mercury, an extremely poisonous element. Note: this place is not pet friendly, and the government here may bludgeon your dog to death to prevent covid cases.

Visit the VM Liemba, Tanzania

Why did the Germans sink their own ship during WW1? Why did they dig it up and turn it into a passenger ship? Where is Tanzania? There you go. WW1 is the closest this list is getting to WW2, and you Wehraboos can piss off.

Great Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe

See, this isn’t just a Eurocentric list, there’s old places everywhere. But really, there are some massive old things here, mmmmmm, massive old things.