Make a list of your priorities for the upcoming academic year and surviving the millennium is probably in the top five.

Even if everything doesn’t end because of the Y2K problem, we still have a major planetary alignment coming up next May which promises to tear the earth apart in the biggest planetary tug-of-war in 6,000 years.

So with this in mind, try to have as much fun this semester as you possibly can.

Take plenty of easy electives and join lots of clubs because the end is nigh, buddy.

Granted, predictions of doom are common place and often amount to nothing.

But this is the big one, and you can’t always count on the aliens to save your bacon.

They are only here for one thing any way: the women.

Use your time wisely and do it all. There are 24 hours in a day, and even if you sleep for eight of those, that leaves fifteen or sixteen hours to go to class, study fencing, read graphic novels and perhaps party.

I don’t want to be presumptuous, but some people like to attend gatherings, mingle and drink.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Buy Y2K corrective software.

Take care of your computer and your computer will take care of you.

A good shotgun is your best friend. The university has strict rules prohibiting the possession of firearms on campus, but if you make friends off campus, the sky is the limit.

One good, clean shotgun with enough shells to equip the Italian army should go a long way toward keeping you safe if rioters and looters take over Lincoln Way and start charging a toll to get from Campustown to east Ames.

Beef jerky not only tastes good after a night at the bar, but it also tastes good when food shortages make regular meals impossible.

While your neighbors are considering cannibalism as a supplement to their steady diet of grubs and tree leaves, snap into a Slim Jim.

You’ll be glad you did. Slim Jim is the official foodstuff of the next millennium.

So, the quandary remains. Why go to college if the world is just going to end anyway?

Can you think of a better place to wait it out? While we anticipate the end of civilization as we know it, Ames is a much better place to realize your potential than almost anywhere else in Iowa with the possible exception of Iowa City.

We have a great bus system and plenty of movie theaters. A library with all the information you will need to know in order to not only survive but thrive as well.

Of course, after the end, we won’t be able to find anything because the records are all on the web now.

And after the great “Mad Max” style holocaust, the student counseling services can help you with any post-traumatic stress or abandonment issues you might develop.

As for me, I’m planning a few changes … just in case.

Besides the shotgun and supply of Slim Jims, we thought it was time to change the Quick Es.

We had a lot of success with our “Star Wars” theme week at the end of the year.

So it seemed like a good idea to continue using themes as a way to keep things fresh.

Unbridled enthusiasm is not a bad thing, but unbridled Quick Es are. Jump on the bandwagon early, get into new and improved Quick Es and show everyone how creative you are.

They are still anonymous so who cares if you stiff it once in a while.

We will also be doing more photo surveys so you can have a chance to see a few of the folks you go to school with.

If you see one of our Daily photographers out and about looking for someone to talk to, try to look thoughtful and cool.

Chances are you can appear in these pages to the amusement of everyone who sees you on campus for a month.

For a limited time only, we will be doing a little cartoon that will give everyone some helpful hints on how to get by on campus.

The aptly named “Getting By” is an homage to the foibles and follies that many of us have experienced.

Not everyone who comes here knows what a bagel is or how using your emergency lights only lets DPS know you are parked illegally.

Some of these ‘toons will be based on true stories while others will be complete fabrications designed to confuse, befuddle and distract.

We will have some familiar faces and names doing columns again this year. Some of these people are just now hitting their groove so pay attention.

We’ll be doing our best to enlighten you about the issues without putting you straight to sleep in that 8 o’clock class.

There will also be a couple of new ones tossed into the mix to keep things fresh and unpredictable.

Dave Barry will still be doing his thing. We paid for him, we might as well use him.

And Carmen Cerra is still kicking around and getting better than ever. He just got a little college syndication deal and if he doesn’t get snatched up by the big boys, he will be shocking us all semester long.

This is the way I see things happening for now. I make no promises about next semester because I am not all that sure that there will be a next semester. Or next year for that matter.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is the opinion editor of the Daily.